The Tuesday Hatred

its-only-tuesday

I really despise Tuesdays.

Most folks hate Monday because it’s the first day back after two days off (for those who work Monday-Friday).

I feel like I mentally and emotionally prepare for Monday. I’m productive. I get stuff done. I’ve got my list and I’ve got all my stuff together.

But Tuesday backhands me.

You come in, not mentally or emotionally prepared for the week ahead. And you realize the week is still early. You have three more full days left.

Tuesday drags on forever.

I feel like I’ve been at work for six hours already…

Nope. Just an hour and a half.

I feel like I’ve worked so hard, but got nothing accomplished.

But time is funny like that.

Last fall I took a “health break” from grad school because of being newly diagnosed with “your body hates your thyroid and is attacking it” as well as going back on an SSRI and dealing with various hormonal issues relating to my body hating my thyroid.

And I haven’t started back.

I keep telling myself to get back in the groove.

I’m literally a thesis defense away from finishing.

But it’s been a year.

When you work 40 hours a week and perpetually look forward to Friday and the weekend, the rest of the week just passes in a blur. All this time spent rushing through the week trying to make it to the weekend. After a while it adds up.

Hell, my brain is still stuck in September and I always think I still have time.

I guess since I’m less than a year away from 30 time seems more important.

My dad told me that when he turned 30, he went through this horrible depression. But other people like 30. For me, I feel like I get better with age. I look back at myself 15, 10, and 5 years ago and realize I was an idiot and an asshat. I really hated myself. And 15, 10, 5 years from now, I will do the same. But in the present, I don’t really hate myself. I rationalize that I make the best decisions I can in the moment with the knowledge and resources I have at the present. In the future those resources will change and my knowledge will grow and I will have better tools to make decisions.

For instance, after working with a state agency for a bit, I’ve realized my MS degree would be almost worthless — but that’s another discussion altogether.

But, time.

I still think the 80’s were only 10 years ago. I still listen to music from the 90’s. I still watch Buffy, Farscape, Firefly, Dead Like Me… like they came out yesterday. My brain sometimes doesn’t feel here. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to wake up ten years ago.

Time’s always moved strangely for me.

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