The Maddening Things– Daily Prompt 4

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Hokay!

Today, we’re going to talk about anxiety!

The first time I every realized I had an anxiety/panic issue was when I was in Walmart one night, or very early in the morning. It was about 3am… back before I had a real job and could do that.

And there was this buzzer that kept going off. It made my skin crawl and the hairs on the back of my neck prickle up.

I couldn’t describe it. I felt like my body, my person, was in clear and immediate danger.

At the time I was working at a job I despised. So my anxiety level was always around a 5 or so.

I tell my friends, if you are interested in a car, do not go online and give ANYONE your phone number. Because I worked for the company that the dealership sold your information to, and we would call you relentlessly to get you to come in the dealership.

We will harass you.

We will manipulate you.

It was exhausting.

So, I was already super tense from my job. Deep in my subconscious, I knew this was unethical. Legal yes, but it just felt wrong.

But I needed a paycheck and a roof over my head.

Every day, I was on edge and had this horrible dread. I looked for any excuse to not be there.

And one day, I had a panic attack and went to the ER.

My heart was racing. Everything was just wrong. I was shaking. Muscle twitches. Couldn’t catch my breath. Chest pains.

It was bad.

Real bad.

So, the ER physician told me to take some days and this valium.

And that’s what I did.

Because I was one of the working poor and didn’t have insurance at the time, I went through the state behavioral health clinic.

Would see a therapist once a month, talk to a doctor through a TV screen once a month.

And meds. Lots of meds.

I was put on the SSRI, Celexa, and given Visteril for break out anxiety.

The Visteril made me hallucinate.

I was in bed and the lights were off. This was before I had Vesper. I saw Harley walking in my bedroom. I called out to her as she was walking in. And then I heard her chirp by my head on my pillow.

So much nope.

Stopped that immediately.

Was put on Buspar next. It turned me into a zombie. I could stare at walls for hours at a time.

Nope. Again.

Next was Klonopin and it was wonderful.

And I did that for a while.

Then I moved to a different state and went without for a bit. And it was hard.

Lucky, I got a job with insurance. I went to my doctor, and now there is Zoloft. And I like it. She didn’t want to give me Xanax or Klonopin because she felt that it was an immediate thing and had a potential for long term abuse.

I get it.

That and therapy worked.

I learned triggers and ways to pull myself out of an anxiety loop.

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Hormones also play a large part due to my body eating my thyroid which leads to hormonal imbalances in my lady cycle. I discussed this in The Lady Problems and The Body Protest – Daily Prompt 1.

So I have a low stress job that I really love.

We help babies. What could be better than that?

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