The Mean Girl, Sometimes

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I went back and reread The “T” Word, and I realized that I sounded very sanctimonious and preachy, and kind of mean — but it is something that really bothered me. I hate it when people make excuses to be assholes, like mental illness, when you know they are fully capable of being a functional person and just do it to seek attention and sympathy.

I will admit, when I get on my high horse, I pick the highest damn horse I can find.

Because of past experiences, and my tendency for unintentional self righteousness, I try to maintain the moral high ground with all my interactions with people. After dealing with The Psychological Abuser I felt like everything, my entire being, was just mired with wrongness.

I had to step back and reevaluate how I deal with people.

And having said that, I always try to be kind and polite to people I just meet, to the point where some have considered it sarcastic, disingenuous, saccharine, or demeaning.

And I hate that. So much. I try very hard to be kind and polite.

I had a coworker accuse me of being condescending, because I was being too polite.

In reality, it is my way of checking — going back through interactions in my head — so when someone has a grievance about my behavior, I can go back and say, “Nope, I was perfectly polite.”

But, people are gonna find fault with whatever they want.

I recently watched a video of a man getting harassed by a woman for saying “Hello” to her:

I have to say, that is the most fucking absurd thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

So, no matter what anyone things about my behavior, I always tend to the moral high ground, so that my ass is covered.

Most of the time I don’t care, but for close friends, people I love, or people I have to deal with on a daily basis at work, this is my protocol.

Which… in a way kind of sucks. Because when I’m not at my best, people think I am a goddamned monster. For instance, I’m on a work call, and someone comes in to talk to me and I hold up my finger and point at the phone — I’ve had people say that I blew them off.

Literally.

Maybe I should just become an asshole, so that everyone will expect it from me, and not always sweet, polite me.

But either way, it helps me as both a person with anxiety and a relentlessly logical INTP, function in society.

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It kind of reminds me of the film Frequencies I really identify with the female character. She is naturally logical and has a set of protocols for dealing with people, instead of being herself, so that she could better converse with others.

 

 

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