The Imaginary Conversations in my Head


This morning, I was coughing up a storm at work. I have to talk on the phone for work pretty much all day. Coughing is not conducive to working. At all.

And I don’t want to be sent home. So, I bit the bullet and took some cough syrup.

This weekend, when I was really sick, I know for most people, codeine makes them sleepy — but for me, it’s the exact opposite.

I figured, it couldn’t hurt. Might boost productivity since I slept so well I didn’t want to wake up this morning. This is the first night I actually slept well.

I crashed on the couch at about 9:30. To make up for being sick I’m coming in at 7am and leaving at 6:30pm. Suffice it to say, I was pretty worn out. I fell asleep watching Pride and Prejudice, one of my favorite feel-good movies — the Keira Knightley one. I’ve still yet to see the five hour one with Colin Firth, but I really want to. When I woke up, I had Harley on top of me and it was around midnight.


Then I took off to bed. Slept through my 5:45 alarm and woke up at 6:45. Still made it to work at 7:15.

So, now, instead of working I’m carrying on imaginary conversations in my head.

I think I’m stoned. At work.

All I really wanted to do was not cough my brains out. And catch up on the work I missed while out sick.

Also, I we have two new people starting and I’ve got to start training them this week. Hopefully it won’t end up like the last person I trained. I think I mentioned this in The Mean Girl, Sometimes… I was overly polite to her to make a good impression and make her feel welcomed and she took it as me being sarcastic and condescending. INTP problems. Also, there was kind of an office Mean Girlesque clique going on. Whenever there is a Mean Girl clique in the office, I am usually never a part of it — and generally on the receiving end of their spite.

Lots of things happened in the interim, but for about three months there, I hated coming into work. I love my job, don’t get me wrong. We help babies. What could be better than that? But I just despised coming in. It was like running the gauntlet. If I was nice, I was condescending. If I was mean, I was an asshole. If I was quiet, I was passive aggressive. If I was loud, I was obnoxious.

I couldn’t just be.

I considered it a karmic birthday present when 2/3 of the Mean Girls Clique left our unit.

So, I’m having these imaginary conversations in my head — eventualities — instead of doing what I’m supposed to be doing and having these conversations on the phone.

One of my favorite ideas in physics is Schrodinger’s cat. For some folks, it’s really hard to grasp that something could be two or more things at once until properly observed. But that’s how my brain works.

I look at actions and events and how they affect people. Sort of Butterfly Effect… but without Kutcher. Another physics thing that blew my mind is the double slit experiment.

I really love research and the scientific method. I like to look at and analyze how different variables affect different outcomes. My undefended thesis was a research project into how people who have been violently victimized have changed their routines (per routine activities theory) and whether or not, based on their routine changes, they were victimized again. And I proved my hypothesis on how active changes (moving, changing social groups, self defense training, obtaining a weapon) had a positive, significant effect on revictimization rates. Passive changes (alarms, awareness, counseling) had less of an effect.

I really should get back to work.


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