The Keto Diaries — Fat Bombs

I’ve gone all day thinking today is Wednesday, when it is actually Damn Tuesday.

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But I digress…

Tonight, I’m going to make fat bombs for the first time.

Been doing keto now for almost four weeks. I’ve lost 14 lbs so far, and I feel amazing. I’m not going to lie, the first week was pretty hard. I really love this diet. I’ve got S.O. doing it too (but his one concession is sweet tea, which kind of defeats the purpose, but I got him sweetening his tea with stevia).

“What is a fat bomb?” you say.

Ketogenic fat bombs are small snacks or treats that are high in fat and low in carbs (so, literally a fat bomb) that you can eat as a quick breakfast, as a quick mid-afternoon snack, as a pre- or after- workout snack, or as extra fuel during your day.

http://paleomagazine.com/what-are-ketogenic-fat-bombs-recipes-how-to-make

There are two I’m going to make, both cream cheese based.

The first one I’m going to use:

  • Unsweetened cocoa powder
  • Cream Cheese
  • Coconut Oil
  • Stevia
  • Almonds

I’m going to try to get the cocoa/coconut oil/cream cheese mix to the right consistency, and add the raw almond.

The second one is going to be:

  • Cream Cheese
  • Coconut Oil
  • Stevia
  • Blueberries/black berry/raspberry
  • Maybe unsweetened cocoa powder, haven’t decided.

When the mixes are ready, you are supposed to spoon them into mini muffin cups (with the little papers) and freeze until solid.

I also have a really good idea for a peanut butter chocolate one, that I know S.O. will absolutely love.

I will totally update with pictures.

Updated: my fudge ones turned out nicely! I did fudge and almond and a peanut butter fudge cup thingy. It took a while to get the right consistency; I ended up adding plain Greek yogurt to the mix and some heavy cream. My “cheese cake” ones I’m a little leery about… I forgot to add coconut oil to the mix, so they will melt at room temp. But they are awesome. I did two varieties — one with blueberries and one with a frozen strawberry, whose end is dipped in fudge and surrounded by the cheese cake mix.

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The Lit Review — WSJ: Woman-on-woman workplace bullying

 

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I borrowed this WSJ article by Dr. Drexler — it is an interesting statistical analysis and break down about Queen Bee syndrome and bulling in the workplace.

The Tyranny of the Queen Bee
By Peggy Drexler, Wall Street Journal, March 1, 2013

Women who reached positions of power were supposed to be mentors to those who followed—but something is amiss in the professional sisterhood.Kelly was a bright woman in her early 30s: whip-smart, well qualified, ambitious—and confused. Even a little frightened.

She worked for a female partner in a big consulting firm. Her boss was so solicitous that Kelly hoped the woman—one of just a few top female partners—might become her mentor. But she began to feel that something was wrong. In meetings, her boss would dismiss her ideas without discussion and even cut her off in mid-sentence. Kelly started to hear about meetings to which she wasn’t invited but felt she should be. She was excluded from her boss’s small circle of confidants.

What confused Kelly was that she was otherwise doing well at the firm. She felt respected and supported by the other senior partners. She had just one problem, but it was a big one. One of the male partners pulled her aside and confirmed Kelly’s suspicions: Her boss had been suggesting to others that Kelly might be happier in a different job, one “more in line with her skills.”Tina Brown talks with Kelsey Hubbard about how she has survived and thrived through the ups and downs of her career and the importance of women friendships and how she’s managed to keep “beating” the boys at their own game.

I met Kelly while I was conducting research on women in the workplace. She was trying to puzzle through what she had done wrong and what to do about it. (To protect the privacy of Kelly and others in the study, I refer to them here by first names only.) I wasn’t sure Kelly had done anything wrong, and I said so. As I told her, “You might have met a queen bee.”

Having spent decades working in psychology, a field heavily populated by highly competitive women, I had certainly seen the queen bee before: The female boss who not only has zero interest in fostering the careers of women who aim to follow in her footsteps, but who might even actively attempt to cut them off at the pass.

The term “queen bee syndrome” was coined in the 1970s, following a study led by researchers at the University of Michigan—Graham Staines, Toby Epstein Jayaratne and Carol Tavris—who examined promotion rates and the impact of the women’s movement on the workplace. In a 1974 article in Psychology Today, they presented their findings, based on more than 20,000 responses to reader surveys in that magazine and Redbook. They found that women who achieved success in male-dominated environments were at times likely to oppose the rise of other women. This occurred, they argued, largely because the patriarchal culture of work encouraged the few women who rose to the top to become obsessed with maintaining their authority.

Four decades later, the syndrome still thrives, given new life by the mass ascent of women to management positions. This generation of queen bees is no less determined to secure their hard-won places as alpha females. Far from nurturing the growth of younger female talent, they push aside possible competitors by chipping away at their self-confidence or undermining their professional standing. It is a trend thick with irony: The very women who have complained for decades about unequal treatment now perpetuate many of the same problems by turning on their own.

A 2007 survey of 1,000 American workers released by the San Francisco-based Employment Law Alliance found that 45% of respondents had been bullied at the office—verbal abuse, job sabotage, misuse of authority, deliberate destruction of relationships—and that 40% of the reported bullies were women. In 2010, the Workplace Bullying Institute, a national education and advocacy group, reported that female bullies directed their hostilities toward other women 80% of the time—up 9% since 2007. Male bullies, by contrast, were generally equal-opportunity tormentors.

A 2011 survey of 1,000 working women by the American Management Association found that 95% of them believed they were undermined by another woman at some point in their careers. According to a 2008 University of Toronto study of nearly 1,800 U.S. employees, women working under female supervisors reported more symptoms of physical and psychological stress than did those working under male supervisors.

Something is clearly amiss in the professional sisterhood.

Erin, another participant in my own study, was a food writer at a glossy magazine. Her supervisor, Jane, seemed out to get her from day one—though never quite to her face. Jane liked playing hot and cold: One day she would pull Erin close to gossip about another colleague; the next she would scream at her for not following through on a task Erin hadn’t known she was expected to perform.

Erin eventually found out that Jane was bad-mouthing her to mutual contacts in the food and restaurant industry. Jane would casually slip barbs into business conversations, telling others, for example, that Erin had engaged in an affair with a married man (she hadn’t) or was giving more favorable reviews to restaurant owners who were her friends (she wasn’t).

Jane’s campaign against Erin wasn’t much more than mean-spirited gossiping, but Erin felt that it caused her peers to think of her differently and certainly made her professional life more difficult. But how could she lodge an official complaint? “What would it say?” Erin asked me. “Jane is talking about me behind my back?” At various points, Erin thought the only way to fight back was to play along and start trash-talking Jane. But was that really the solution?

As the old male-dominated workplace has been transformed, many have hoped that the rise of female leaders would create a softer, gentler kind of office, based on communication, team building and personal development. But instead, some women are finding their professional lives dominated by high school “mean girls” all grown up: women with something to prove and a precarious sense of security.

What makes these queen bees so effective and aggravating is that they are able to exploit female vulnerabilities that men may not see, using tactics that their male counterparts might never even notice. Like Jane’s gossiping about Erin’s personal life. Or when Kelly’s boss would comment on her outfit: “Who are you trying to impress today?” Or not-so-gently condescend: “Did you take your smart pill today, sweetie?” Their assaults harm careers and leave no fingerprints.

That is one reason many victims never see such attacks coming—and are powerless to prevent them. In Kelly’s case, she had assumed her female boss might want to help foster her growth out of some sense of female solidarity. Erin had specifically sought out working at the magazine because she admired Jane’s writing and wanted to learn from her. Why wouldn’t Jane be eager to teach? It is women, after all, who are hastening the table-pounding male bullies toward obsolescence.

But both Kelly and Erin’s superiors seem to have viewed the women under them not as comrades in arms but as threats to be countered. In a world where there are still relatively few women in positions of power—just 2% of Fortune 500 CEOs and 16% of boards of directors, as noted in Deborah Rhode and Barbara Kellerman’s book “Women and Leadership”—it is an understandable assumption that the rise of one would mean the ouster of another. One for one, instead of one plus one.

Though it is getting easier to be a professional woman, it is by no means easy. Some women—especially in industries that remain male-dominated—assume that their perches may be pulled from beneath them at any given moment (and many times, they are indeed encouraged to feel this way). Made to second-guess themselves, they try to ensure their own dominance by keeping others, especially women, down.

The result is a distinctive strain of negative leadership traits—less overtly confrontational than their domineering male counterparts but bullying just the same. Comments on appearance or dress are part of their repertoire—something that would be seen more obviously as harassment when coming from a man—as are higher, sometimes even unreasonable, expectations for performance. Women who have risen in male-dominated fields may want to tell themselves that their struggle and success were unique. As a result they sometimes treat the performance of females who follow as never quite good enough.

It cuts both ways, though: Women aren’t always the best employees to other women either. Female subordinates can show less respect and deference to female bosses than to their male bosses.

Queen bees are less overtly confrontational than their male counterparts, but they are bullies just the same.

A 2007 Syracuse University study published in the Journal of Operational and Organizational Psychology found that women are critical of female bosses who are not empathetic. They also tend to resent female bosses who adopt a brusque and assertive management style, even as they find it perfectly acceptable for male bosses. And so they question and push back, answering authority with attitude.

One woman I encountered in my research, Amanda, faced this problem when she began a new job as a vice president at a Manhattan ad agency. The role was her first in management and included overseeing three women who were her age or younger. She knew she was qualified for the position, but from the very first day, Amanda had a difficult time feeling that she had their respect, or even their attention. Though deferential and solicitous to her male colleagues, they openly questioned Amanda’s decisions. They went above her head, made comments about her wardrobe and even refused to say good morning and good night. She felt like she was back in high school, trying to break into an elite clique.

Amanda tried various tactics: being overly authoritative, being their “friend.” Eventually she stopped trying to get them to respond or encouraging them to do their jobs as directed. Instead, she fired all three.

Queen bees are creatures of circumstance, encircling potential rivals in much the same way as the immune system attacks a foreign body. Female bosses are expected to be “softer” and “gentler” simply because they are women, even though such qualities are not likely the ones that got them to where they are. In the more cutthroat precincts of American achievement, women don’t reach the top by bringing in doughnuts in the morning.
Men use fear as a tool of advancement. Why shouldn’t women do the same? Until top leadership positions are as routinely available to women as they are to men, freezing out the competition will remain a viable survival strategy.

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Dr. Drexler is an assistant professor of psychology in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College and the author, most recently, of Our Fathers, Ourselves: Daughters, Fathers and the Changing American Family.

Wall Street Journal

Source: WSJ: Woman-on-woman workplace bullying

The Good People, Protection, and Expectations

I did a lot of mental evaluation this weekend; some productive, some unhealthy, some null, and some hopeful.

While eating omlettes at IHOP before catching the Sunday matinee for John Wick (which was awesome and I highly recommend as a good action flick), S.O. and I postulated variables for my female pettiness in the workpkace research project….

Research has always been a way to remove myself emotionally from a situation — I take a step back, note behaviors, analyze patterns, reference to other research and apply.

I will admit, instead of jumping right back into work, I may have a few “door closed days” where I just keep my office door closed and throw myself into work and procrastinating (aka writing and research).

That is how I plan on protecting myself from work bullshit. The door closed will aid in allowing me to play catch-me-up from my not mentally healthy Friday off, and not be drawn into their bullshit.

Also, I desperately need to lower my expectations in people; just assume people are going to be shitty and if they aren’t, then it’s a pleasent surprise.

Everybody is an unknown quantity of some sort. I have to account for these variables. I mean, I’d assumed that because the traitor work “friend” who briefly caused me to question my belief in humanity had told me some deeply personal stuff (cheating husband, STD, crazy family, etc) that we were close. And I didn’t take into account the race factor. As I’ve said multiple times — I dont care about  your race, creed, color and just because you are X doesn’t make you any more or less than me. Period.

My assumption was even though I believe those things, she may not — other folks too. Her experiences with race differ from mine. This is not saying her experiences emulate the experiences of all Black people… but I have to understand the even though I look at a person and see a human being and NOT a skin color, other people don’t. And because of that she may feel a better connection with a fellow Black person she’s known for five minutes, then the White girl she’s known for months… whose gone out of her way to help her on multiple occasions… and with whom she’s spilled her deepest secrets to… who has shown concern for her physical and emotional wellbeing…

Which makes no logical sense, but I don’t have the same experiences she has had with racial issues — it is beyond my ability to rationalize.

But her new coworker besty seems to have umbridge with me because she is new and I trained her, I have to quality assurance check (QA) her work…. and she ain’t doing so hot. So, maybe she feels like I’m being too hard on her (because the other lady who started at the same time is doing awesome… also, she’s Hispanic), not that because she’s the one that keeps fucking up, but because she thinks I’m racist?

Or it could be an age thing — she’s gotta be at least 20 years older than I am.

But the lesson of the story is that you could be Mother Theresa or Gandhi or Jesus, and people are still going to think negative things about you, even if you possess any of those negative things they think you do.

This isnt saying I’m perfect — I’m very, very far from it and have done some pretty fucked up things…

So, I’m going to keep on doing what I’m doing, keeping the moral high ground, and let karma take care of it.

Because, I’ve seen some pretty awesome instances of karma in cases like these. So, I’m going to sit back and watch it play out and document everything.

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The Hangover and Eventual Getting Over Things

S.O. came into town to see me this morning. I dont think I’e ever been so happy to see him.

I told him everything going on in my head — how my brain wouldn’t shut up. We talked in the shower until the water ran cold. We have the best conversations in the shower. I didn’t cry. I just started talking and when I’d get to a difficult part, he’d just kiss me and tell me it would be alright and stroke my sopping wet hair.

We were lazy today. After our shower, we just laid in bed and slept. For three hours. I woke up after having a dream about one of my uncles, spooned between him and Vesper Cat. We snuggled and watched Futurama.

One of my acquaintances is moving away and there’s a shindig for her tonight. I got gussied up — lipstick, eyeliner, the works and went out for an hour. I had one vodka martini. However there were a bunch of hipster smokers there killing my allergies, so we dipped out early.

Now, we’re back home.

Today was a good day.

I look at my breakdown last night and it seems millions of miles away and so far removed from who I am and my goals.

But I have to remember I had a breakdown and that it was horrible. I mentioned I was going through an existential depression on FB and some old friends came out of the woodwork, concerned for my wellbeing.

It reminds me there are good things and good people out there.

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The Cry for Help

I think I’m having sort of mental/emotional break down that’s more than just stupid hormones.

I think there is something wrong with my brain.

This has gone on since goddamn tuesday and I cant shake it.

I guess the easiest way to explain what is going on in my brain is that I just feel like I gave all this love and kindness and compassion to shitty people and I feel like I just dont have anything left for me; just sadness, anger, and disappointment.

I’m not feeling suicidal…. I just dont want to be in this place in this time. I want my brain to just stop, but it wont.

I’m pretty sure I’ve cried myself sick.

S.O. flaked on me this weekend.

That was a hell of a gut punch especially after I told him about my panic attack on tuesday whilst having it — which is new, because I usually tell him like a week later. I didnt “tell” him per se… we texted. I am one of those people who becomes an inarticulate blubbering mess… kind of like right now.

But I dont want him to worry; I dont want to bother anyone with the bullshit going on in my head.

But I’m just getting to the point where I may have to.

I just worry about the reprocutions. I dont want people to think I’m crazy or weak.

I’m just so done with shitty people and shitty places. I’m sick of people being so goddamn hateful. Taking kindness that I give, spitting on it, and lighting it on fire.

I just cant. I’m sorry.

I try to present myself as someone who is strong and together, but I’m not.

Again, sorry.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up and not feel all this anger and sadness and just so shitty.

My mental health day made my mental health worse.

Update: S.O. came into town this morning and cheered me up. Spending the day with Furutama and snuggles.

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The Research Plan Nerdgasm

I’m totally playing hookie today and have no shame.

In my defense, I woke up with cramps.

And cramps generally make me non functional.

However, I’m thinking of doing actual empirical research on this female backbiting and pettiness thing. Even though most of my research experience deals with criminology, I do have psychological research experience dealing with victimization. Not too far apart… I may take a trip to the local book store and do a lit review.

I mean, someone somewhere had probably done some sort of anthropological, sociological, or psychological study on this.

Hopefully all three.

But if the weather was warmer, I’d totally drive the hour to Carrabelle and go to the beach… and do my lit review there… with a coldbeer.

Also, I was curious and retook my Myers Briggs…. yep… INTP as I could possibly be.

Alas… will let ya’ll know my research findings.

Have a good weekend!

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The Nightmare Fuel — Tropes Thursday

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Recently I had a bad dream, which had spawned this idea for Tropes Thursday. The dream was that The Psychological Abuser had come beating on my door with a posse demanding a check he’d written me for about $5000 six years ago. Of course, I’d cashed the thing YEARS ago in my dream, but it’s the fact he showed up at my door demanding money.

I don’t ever really have dreams about ghosts and goulies, but when I do, I sleep with the light on the rest of the night. When I was younger, I was an avid lucid dreamer. When I’d wake up from a nightmare, I’d go back to sleep into the same dream and change the outcome, because I knew I was dreaming, and resolve the dream. I remember I could shake myself out of bad dreams, too. I’d realize I was dreaming and shake myself awake. It was kind of difficult because of sleep paralysis. The dream would change and I’d feel like I had broken my neck and I was trying to shake it back into place or something. Then I’d wake up.

But as I grow older, my nightmares center around anxiety things — running late, forgetting something, running from something, and money.

I still have dreams about running late for the school bus — and haven’t ridden on an actual school bus in 10 years.

But nightmare fuel is different for everyone. I mean, blood, guts, and gore don’t bother me. Well, at least on screen. I have a very sensitive gag reflex, so in person, maybe not so much. Especially if I can smell the blood.

However, demonic shit — I actively avoid watching that sort of thing. I grew up very religious and even when I grew to be an agnostic, I couldn’t shake the belief something else insidious, just outside our periphery, existed. Also, I’ve seen some shit.

When I lived at one of my first off campus residences in undergrad, I was sitting on the back porch, stealing my neighbor’s internet, and saw this black sheet thing floating down the road.

No shit!

I really like to go on walks. I lived in a pretty safe area and when I couldn’t sleep, I’d go out and walk. I lived near campus, so there were always folks around all hours of the night. I had a power line about 20 meters in front of me and the cables stretched across the road. I saw something obscure the light at the top of the electrical pole, go across the lines above the road, and down in the bushes. I didn’t think anything of it until I was walking by the powerlines and saw something lunge at me in my peripheral vision, out of the bushes. I looked and saw nothing, but I hauled ass home.

I recently watched Insidious, which is a movie that gives me chills. I like how well done it is. It doesn’t follow the horror movie cliches and stupidness. It is genre savvy — the family moves houses thinking the house itself is haunted, they call in an expert that actually seems pretty credible, jump scares aren’t randomly inserted — they are artfully built up and purposeful, the music (holy GOD this is scary),

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But… it didn’t give me nightmares.

One move that gives me nightmares, even though I’ve seen it a hundred times and own it, is Event Horizon.

The meat grinder “containment” area. The portal to literal hell, found not by faith, but by scientific inquiry. The eye scream! The creepy as hell distress call.

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It’s funny, how this movie, seemed hokey when originally released is now a cult classic. It is available on Netflix US. Unsure about international. Definitely worth a watch if you haven’t seen it. But if you are sensitive to that kind of thing, don’t watch… or just don’t watch at night.

For me, ideas seem to scare me more than visuals.

For instance, in Donnie Darko, the image of Frank is pretty startling, but the idea that the world is going to end and you are going to die. That would terrify me and definitely transfer over into nightmare form.

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But, I do have to say, my favorite horror movie has to be, hands down, The Shining. Holy crap. The little nuances Kubrick set up to add unease to the audience. Also being trapped in a hotel like that. I mean, yeah, as an introvert I’d be okay for a while. But for five months Jack, Wendy, and Danny are stuck up there.

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I love the Kubrick move a great deal. I really want to read the book, but I hear the book is entirely different from the movie; Kubrick wanted to add more layers and his own twist. I heard King wasn’t very happy about it.

In other media, I purchased Alien: Isolation and I cannot finish it. It’s different when you are watching a film and can’t change the outcome. It’s different when you’re in the middle of a video game and are actively being hunted. What’s so wonderful and scary about this title is that the Alien hunting you has a specially designed AI where instead of following a specific path, it hunts you.

The music in the game adds a whole other level of fear. When the alien is near you, the music crescendos, it makes your skin crawl and gives you chills.

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The first time I encountered the Alien, I ran away, hid in a locker for 20 minutes, then it found me and ate me.

I’ve tried a few more times to complete it, but damn… I have to put it down.

Haven’t had any weird dreams about it, but probably one of the most terrifying forms of media I’ve ever engaged in.

Holy crap

Other things I’d consider non traditional nightmare fuel are deaths. I remember having a dream about my dad passing away in a car accident. It was so surreal and bizarre — kind of like Jacob’s Ladder. Nothing made sense.

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And it turned out in my dream my dad was still alive.

And in real life too….

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** Tropes play a large part in life; Merriam Webster defines it as something common place or cliche — but life is cliches. This is a series I am starting as a writing exercise to work on my analytical skills and write for fun. It is meant to be comical and informative. Feedback is always welcome!

The Female Misogynist 

First, I want to apologize. I know I’ve been bitching a lot about work lately, but it’s really exacerbating my anxiety disorder; I started this blog as a means to get these thoughts out of my head so I wont fixate. Also, I spend most of my waking hours at work and see my coworkers more than I see S.O.

Unfortunately, its a part of my life.

I also had a scary panic attack this evening. Usually when I’m busy at work I can put it out of my mind and focus on the task at hand. But, in the evenings when I’m trying to wind down it creeps in, holds tight, and won’t go.

My panic attack was essentially my disappointment in myself for investing in a marginal person and getting burned, worried that I will spend life with sparce companionship, and if my worklife was going to be plagued by these bitchy women.

I got curious about other folk’s experience and HOLY CRAP! The bitchy office females is a seriously ubiquitous thing.

It got me thinking — what if it isn’t “the patriarchy” oppressing women in the work place? What if it is other women?

Now, I don’t identify as a feminist — not third wave feminism anyway. I am an equalist and a utilitarian. I believe everyone should have basic human right regardless of race, age, sex, handicap, etc… up and until your rights impinge on someone else’s rights. For instance, you can have freedom of religion — unless a part of your religion involves owning slaves or murdering people.

I’m very libertarian about this sort of thing..

But back on track — most women I see in the workplace are bringing other women down, instead of empowering each other. They are easy to jealousy, pettiness, backbiting, gaslighting…. and all for what?

One of the videos I watched was a TED talk about this problem and the solution was to change how women are spoken to and interacted with in the workplace. And it was downright archaic — you have to pad your sentences to ease the blow, you have to collect favors, you have to coddle them.

For instance — padding sentences:

Hey, I’m really confused about this, but you really suck at your job and you can go eat a dick and die, okay?

See… this is the shit… the shit why men don’t take women seriously. Men are straight forward about their dialogue. But for women you have to sugar coat everything.

What purpose does this serve?

It wastes time, energy, paper…

All it does is create a hostile work environment and reduce productivity. After the “incident” on goddamn Tuesday, I couldn’t focus. I spent an hour trying to get myself together. Then I spent 30 minutes talking with my boss about it.

An hour and a half….

I could have been doing work but someone wanted to engage in some female workplace cunthattery.

In the long run, said catty behaviors cause productivity loss and high turnover.

So, why is it tolerated?

I hear the often cliche “if a man is successful, he is hard working; if is because she’s a bitch.”

In my experience, cliches and tropes are cliches and tropes for a reason.

So, my analytical INTP brain kicked in and now I want to conduct a micro study of workplace bitchiness to isolate variables and figure out what are the nacent triggers that cause workplace bitchiness to become a thing — feeling threatend, jealousy, etc… and why women feel the need to act negatively.

And folks, this why I cant sleep.

I’m research planning in my head.

But back to the panic attack — I think that was the worse one I’ve had in a while. My blood pressure shot up, my pulse was 130, hot flashes, muscle twitches, dizziness.

I wish my doctor would give me some xanax or klonopin for these kinds of nights…. but nooooo… other folks have to ruin it with their drugginess and selling of drugs.

I’m good now. Two benadryl and a muscle relaxer.

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The Rules for Life, According to Me

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I woke up with a plan… mostly because I couldn’t get my brain to shut up. I dozed off on the sofa and decided to go to bed, where I tossed and turned for two hours. Then I went back to the couch and promptly fell asleep.

While tossing and turning for those two hours, I made my list of rules to live by:

  1. Treat people kindly, and with respect, always. Even if you hate them.
  2. Take shit from no one. You are a person, a human, and you deserve kindness and respect.
  3. If your pet doesn’t like someone, you probably don’t need them in your life. My Harley Cat is the ultimate judge of character.
  4. Always put your own health first when it comes to work. And if you have children and/or a spouse, put their health before your work also.
  5. Unless you are allergic, rescue an animal and lavish them with love and kindness. Pets are wonderful in relieving stress, keeping your seat and your heart warm, and unconditional love.
  6. Always take the moral high ground.
  7. Don’t trust people. No one. It even says it in the bible. You can love, you can be kind, you can be respectful… but don’t trust anyone.
  8. Only you have your best interests in mind. Remember that.
  9. The scientific method is your friend. Use it always before making a decision
  10. Never apologize for something you didn’t do wrong; and if you did do something wrong, apologize and try to fix it.

And that’s all I got today.

I lost three more pounds. So, that makes 11 lbs total that I’ve lost. But I also weighed myself at night instead of in the morning, so it may be more.

I woke up, determined,  today was going to be a good day.

And so far, it’s spectacular!

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The Love We Think We Deserve

Please excuse me while I have hormonal related breakdown; normally I can keep my shit together, but my body, my brain is sabotaging me.

I cried at work today over betrayal and goddamn voicemails.

And I couldn’t stop myself.

I was once accused of using “that crying shit” as a tool of manipulation by The Abuser.

It’s literally something I cannot control.

It just happens.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Evidently because I surround myself with people who seem like decent people, then suddenly treat me like shit makes me wonder if I’m a shitty person who masquerades as a decent person.

Maybe I really do deserve this.

And I know I’m loved. I think. Maybe.

Or maybe people just tolerate me until they find something better or finally tire of me.

Everyone can’t be shitty — maybe it’s me?

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The Bad Person — Why I Hate Working with Other Women and How to Try and Fail at Not Having a Panic Attack at Work

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This might make me a misogynist… but fuck it.

I despise working with other women.

They’re back handed, attitude catching, cliquish bitches.

But in the not work life, they’re aiight.

Confounding right?

I’d rather work with men. Hands down. Yes, men can can be underhanded and bitchy.

So yeah… I’m not having a good day.

I already despise Tuesdays. And now because a coworker who I consider a friend how has a new work besty, she’s too good to come and talk to me about an issue. Instead she has to send snide emails and consult with her work besty, who has been here less than two months and knows fuck nothing about this job, about how I didn’t do my job (which I did do.) And she can’t keep track of her shit.

Over goddamned voicemail. Seriously. I can’t make this up.

And when I, approach said coworker with a solution to fix and an open heart and kindness, she catches an even bigger attitude.

I can’t fucking win.

I ended up watching this stupid and insipid video on Youtube about Taylor Fucking Swift — how she appears to be a feminist and all for female empowerment, but continually brings other women down.

Why do other women have to bring each other down — and band together to do it?

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I’m not one of those people who will be snide and go behind your back or send snide notes or be passive aggressive.

I am a “hey, there’s a problem. Lets fix it.”

Maybe an INTP thing.

Now I’m sitting in my office, with my door closed, questioning my existence.

I think what bothers me the most is I feel really betrayed. This is a coworker I have gone out of my way to help, who I have bestowed a great deal of kindness upon, and conversely she’s been perfectly kind to me… until new work besty… I guess now she has a new work besty to get that from and/or parasite off of.

This is why I just need to keep my friend circle small. I put way too much energy into friendships and get nothing back but hatefulness.

This is going to sound awful… but I’m going to postulate it. And I’m sorry if this comes off awful, but this is straight from a point of unemotive analysis (not that it matters). Maybe because work friend is Black, which is not a bad thing at all! And new work besty is Black too, maybe it’s a bonding thing. I mean, I don’t care what color you are, I’ll still be kind to you regardless and treat you respectfully. Maybe I’m ignorant of this bonding thing. Maybe I’m no longer work friend and have been replaced by something more familiar? Maybe this is some cultural thing I’m ignorant of because I try to be above it all?

Or maybe friend coworker hated me all along but now she has back up?

I just seem to have a really fucking hard time with women in the work place?

Maybe I’m the problem.

Maybe I’m doing this friend thing wrong.

Maybe I’m doing this work thing wrong.

Do I just need to be a cunt and an asshole to survive the office culture. Do I need to be cold, callous, fake, and an obsequious shit? Do I really have to go behind people’s back and bring them down in front of their superiors to survive?

Maybe I’m doing this adulting thing wrong.

Maybe I’m doing everything wrong.

Fuck all.

And now I’m having a panic attack in my office and I can’t shake it.

I’ve tried positive thinking, fucking cat videos, messaging S.O., breathing exercises, questioning my existence… and it’s not the goddamn voicemail that had me so uppidy. Like I said, it’s the overt betrayal and casting aside. Feeling like I just got sleighed by a friend.

One of my theories is that maybe I’m too nice, and when I have a bad day or have to put my foot down it is so completely out of character for me that people assume I’m fake nice. Or maybe when I put my foot down I do it too hard, or I say no much too vehemently.

Folks who read all this crap I write, what do you think? Honestly. Brutally. Because I can take it, I promise. I’d rather you tell me… There seems to be something I’m not getting or doing or what have you.

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The Bad Person — Severing Ties

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I had a sleepless anxious night — I had that thought pop in my head and it just snowballed:

“What if I’m a bad person?”

Then I have to go through every interaction ever in my head, specifically the ones where I was shitty either situational or because I had to be in self defense.

And I’ve done some pretty messed up shit. Mainly I feel bad about having to cut ties with people, especially somewhat abruptly.

I had to cut ties with my best friend from high school. I had confided in her some things, which she confided to this horrible guy she was engaged to, who told my brother those things, and he used them against me in an argument with my parents.

I got in her fiance’s shit and she actually asked me to apologize to him.

Doesn’t sound bad — right? To split ties.

I severed ties with her while she was recovering from a kidney transplant.

Yeah…

On my homeless adventure, I house sat for a friend while she was away. When she came back, she was kind and let me sleep on her couch a while longer. But this person had this thing where she invited some really awful people into her life. While I was working two jobs and saving money, her boyfriend at the time made two passes at me, came out stark naked, stole my money I had saved (in cash… I’m stupid), then when I confronted her, he got my number and called and threatened me. I had to go to the police.

I severed ties. Even though she had been so kind and generous to me, I had to.

I do feel badly for severing ties with The Psychological Abuser, because there were times he was very, very kind to me. But in the end, the kindness wasn’t enough and his constant putting me down, making me feel less than, making me feel unworthy, unloved, horrible… I had to go.

And because of the gravity of it all, I had to scorch the earth and sever ties with a lot of our mutual friends. I can’t have him getting back in my life. He’s probably poisoned them all against me anyways…

I keep my friend circle pretty small.

It helps me keep variables straight in my head of what is what. It helps me protect myself. It keeps burdens off of me.

I guess if that makes me a bad person, then I am.

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The New Orleans Nostalgia

Facebook casually reminded me I went to New Orleans this time last year and I just wanted to share some of the amazing things I saw there.

There were four of us. We saved money by staying in a motel in Metairie and taking the interstate into the city. What really helped was that we took cabs everywhere so that we could drink to our heart’s content. We did two walking tours, our own walking and seeing everything, some night time bar hopping, and visited Preservation Hall and the WWII museum.

Definitely recommend everyone go once in their life.

Metairie Cemetery (aka, where all the wealthy folks in New Orleans like to be buried). It was kind of an overcast day. We were all carrying umbrellas in anticipation of rain that was supposed to come through:

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St. Charles Street Car, the Garden District, and Lafayette Cemetery. We just kind of spent the whole day there walking around:

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The day before, we did the French Quarter in all it’s glory. Even had one person fall out on Bourbon Street. Stayed out way too late. Had alligator dogs at Dat Dog at 3 am. Was very drunk. Also had a sazarac, mint julep, and craw fish etouffee. The drinks were amazing. There was one little pub, with amazing jazz music that served black berry moonshine. We also visited the Hotel Monteleone, were I drank a scotch in style. Also, because Mardi Gras had been two weeks prior, many places still had decor up:

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Overall, I would love to do this again — but with more money and stay much longer than four days. I’m glad we did it in spring, when it was still cool and not so oppressively hot.

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The Friday Letdown Liftup

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Well, because my body wouldn’t cooperate, I had to reschedule my medical thing to the end of March.

Evidently you have to be on your period to have an IUD inserted. Wish I would have known that when they scheduled it and not on Tuesday when I called to confirm my appointment and see if there was anything I needed to do before and/or after.

But I still have the day off and it’s still pay day. So, I’m gonna do my taxes, grocery shop, and clean my house.

I’m jumping back on the keto bandwagon and drastically changing the way I grocery shop and my menu.

See, I ran out of keto food on Tuesday and resorted to rice and fish and other stuff so I don’t starve.

I have better planned out my meals.

And dammit, I’m gonna make some Pho from scratch. I’ve got to find a good bone broth recipe. I may let it crock pot all night to get the most out of it. Going to make a beef bone broth because it’s period week and STEAK!!! Going to try it with spaghetti squash noodles, bean sprouts, some cilantro, mint, green onion, and flat basil as garnish. With a squirt of sriracha. If it turns out good, I will post an official recipe.

Also  avocado chicken salad:

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  • A big ass bowl
  • One rotisserie chicken shredded (skin optional, but all the meat because I don’t waste food. And I’m not a chicken meat racist. I love all the chicken meat.)
  • Three green onions, chopped
  • Two or three medium tomatoes, chopped up kind of small. Think pico de gallo size.
  • Two ripe avocados, diced
  • Enough sour cream to lubricate the whole thing
  • Two boiled eggs
  • Herb — maybe cilantro or flat leaf basil. Whatever fits your fancy.
  • Lemon or lime juice — adds some acid and keeps your avocado from going brown
  • Maybe some pickle relish, if you want.
  • Salt and pepper
  • Squirt of sriracha.

Mix together in said big ass bowl.

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