Today started in spectacularly horrible fashion — I tossed and turned for most of the night. I don’t know if I actually slept, but I did wake up. At 5:30 with a magnificent migraine.
I was kind of headachey yesterday afternoon and rain checked on craft night with Besty — working on sewing new dining chair cushions and opted for curling up in my dark room and listening to music. It might be why I didn’t sleep well; I was lazy when I got home.
But this morning was hell. I hadn’t had a migraine that bad in years. I did my normal migraine protocol — 800mg of NSAIDs, 500mg of aspirin, benadryl (sleep it off and if it is allergy related) and darkness. I’ve always been pretty light sensitive. I have a hard time driving at night because the oncoming lights bother me. I was enthralled when I got moved to an actual office with a door in a room that wasn’t made of cube so I could control my lighting. I opt for a 60 watt lamp over the harsh fluorescent lights.
I emailed my boss and let her know I was going to be late or possibly out. And I rested and by about 9 am the migraine was all but gone. I ended up still coming in at noon, selfishly languishing at home for three pain free hours before coming in. Also, coming in between 8:45 and 10:59 means driving around for 20 minutes looking for parking. I tell new folks — if you’re gonna be late, best come in at lunch so you can find a parking spot.
Aside from physical ailments, today was a weird emotional day. The topic of student loans came up and I’m pretty sure I’ll see none of my tax return — cue gut clenching anxiety. I didn’t make that much money last year. Maybe they’ll see how poor I really am and that I work in the public sector and give me a break.
But, that gut clenching anxiety I am able to push back in favor of fantasy — short stories in my head and conversing with coworkers. But it bubbles up.
When I say frail, especially with emotions and mental health, I’ve never thought of myself as a piece of glass… not that metaphor. I think of myself as a piece of cloth, or a tarp. When S.O. and I were on the way home with my washer and dryer, we had a tarp over it and the high speeds plus stormy weather caused the tarp to come apart in some places. Those places could be mended with some duct tape and still do the job adequately, but those rips and tears will always be there.
Sometimes I feel like I’m flapping in the wind, being emotionally tossed to and fro.
With broken glass, once it’s broke it’s pretty useless. It’s just there in a pile waiting to be swept up and disposed.
I can be frayed and worn, repaired, but I’ll still have lasting proof of the wear and still be useful.
Weird metaphor day… ha.