The Frail Days

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Today started in spectacularly horrible fashion — I tossed and turned for most of the night. I don’t know if I actually slept, but I did wake up. At 5:30 with a magnificent migraine.

I was kind of headachey yesterday afternoon and rain checked on craft night with Besty — working on sewing new dining chair cushions and opted for curling up in my dark room and listening to music. It might be why I didn’t sleep well; I was lazy when I got home.

But this morning was hell. I hadn’t had a migraine that bad in years. I did my normal migraine protocol — 800mg of NSAIDs, 500mg of aspirin, benadryl (sleep it off and if it is allergy related) and darkness. I’ve always been pretty light sensitive. I have a hard time driving at night because the oncoming lights bother me. I was enthralled when I got moved to an actual office with a door in a room that wasn’t made of cube so I could control my lighting. I opt for a 60 watt lamp over the harsh fluorescent lights.

I emailed my boss and let her know I was going to be late or possibly out. And I rested and by about 9 am the migraine was all but gone. I ended up still coming in at noon, selfishly languishing at home for three pain free hours before coming in. Also, coming in between 8:45 and 10:59 means driving around for 20 minutes looking for parking. I tell new folks — if you’re gonna be late, best come in at lunch so you can find a parking spot.

Aside from physical ailments, today was a weird emotional day. The topic of student loans came up and I’m pretty sure I’ll see none of my tax return — cue gut clenching anxiety. I didn’t make that much money last year. Maybe they’ll see how poor I really am and that I work in the public sector and give me a break.

Wishful thinking.

But, that gut clenching anxiety I am able to push back in favor of fantasy — short stories in my head and conversing with coworkers. But it bubbles up.

When I say frail, especially with emotions and mental health, I’ve never thought of myself as a piece of glass… not that metaphor. I think of myself as a piece of cloth, or a tarp. When S.O. and I were on the way home with my washer and dryer, we had a tarp over it and the high speeds plus stormy weather caused the tarp to come apart in some places. Those places could be mended with some duct tape and still do the job adequately, but those rips and tears will always be there.

Sometimes I feel like I’m flapping in the wind, being emotionally tossed to and fro.

With broken glass, once it’s broke it’s pretty useless. It’s just there in a pile waiting to be swept up and disposed.

I can be frayed and worn, repaired, but I’ll still have lasting proof of the wear and still be useful.

Weird metaphor day… ha.

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2 thoughts on “The Frail Days

  1. With broken glass, once it’s broke it’s pretty useless. It’s just there in a pile waiting to be swept up and disposed.

    the secondary theme of my blog is kintsukuroi, the Japanese are of repairing damaged pottery with valued materials, such as gold. by the end of things, the broken and mended pot is worth more than the original one in tack. many of us who are damaged, we come out on the other end better than the “average” person. we are our own works of kintsukuroi.

    just food for thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agreed completely. I’ve noticed that within my friend group, people who have actually been through some really horrible shit are the most sane lol. People think that we’re damaged or broken or what have you, but I feel that because I’ve experience the horrible shit that I have I’m much stronger and more grounded. With those people who haven’t really experienced true adversity in their life, they tend to be more entitled and coddled — it’s always about their poor hurt feelings over inconsequential things because they’ve never had that bad thing happen to strengthen them. I discussed this in one of my meaner blog posts about this girl I lived with, pseudonym: Munchy, because she would exaggerate all these “bad” things and use the “trauma” from it to act like an asshole. People who have experience really bad things, in my experience, would never use their experiences as a cudgel to manipulate people or be an asshole — and not everyone is like this, but I’ve noticed it a lot with millennials.

      Liked by 1 person

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