I had a sleepless anxious night — I had that thought pop in my head and it just snowballed:
“What if I’m a bad person?”
Then I have to go through every interaction ever in my head, specifically the ones where I was shitty either situational or because I had to be in self defense.
And I’ve done some pretty messed up shit. Mainly I feel bad about having to cut ties with people, especially somewhat abruptly.
I had to cut ties with my best friend from high school. I had confided in her some things, which she confided to this horrible guy she was engaged to, who told my brother those things, and he used them against me in an argument with my parents.
I got in her fiance’s shit and she actually asked me to apologize to him.
Doesn’t sound bad — right? To split ties.
I severed ties with her while she was recovering from a kidney transplant.
On my homeless adventure, I house sat for a friend while she was away. When she came back, she was kind and let me sleep on her couch a while longer. But this person had this thing where she invited some really awful people into her life. While I was working two jobs and saving money, her boyfriend at the time made two passes at me, came out stark naked, stole my money I had saved (in cash… I’m stupid), then when I confronted her, he got my number and called and threatened me. I had to go to the police.
I severed ties. Even though she had been so kind and generous to me, I had to.
I do feel badly for severing ties with The Psychological Abuser, because there were times he was very, very kind to me. But in the end, the kindness wasn’t enough and his constant putting me down, making me feel less than, making me feel unworthy, unloved, horrible… I had to go.
And because of the gravity of it all, I had to scorch the earth and sever ties with a lot of our mutual friends. I can’t have him getting back in my life. He’s probably poisoned them all against me anyways…
I keep my friend circle pretty small.
It helps me keep variables straight in my head of what is what. It helps me protect myself. It keeps burdens off of me.
I guess if that makes me a bad person, then I am.