The Love We Think We Deserve

Please excuse me while I have hormonal related breakdown; normally I can keep my shit together, but my body, my brain is sabotaging me.

I cried at work today over betrayal and goddamn voicemails.

And I couldn’t stop myself.

I was once accused of using “that crying shit” as a tool of manipulation by The Abuser.

It’s literally something I cannot control.

It just happens.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Evidently because I surround myself with people who seem like decent people, then suddenly treat me like shit makes me wonder if I’m a shitty person who masquerades as a decent person.

Maybe I really do deserve this.

And I know I’m loved. I think. Maybe.

Or maybe people just tolerate me until they find something better or finally tire of me.

Everyone can’t be shitty — maybe it’s me?



9 thoughts on “The Love We Think We Deserve

  1. No, no, no, no! Don’t believe that! You deserve the best. You deserve to be genuinely loved and treated with compassion and respect.

    While I think our situations are different, I get the wonder about other people. I have difficulty interacting with people because the slightest facial expression or phrase often pulls triggers for me. My parents and their families treat everyone and each other with mockery, contempt, humiliation and the like. The odd thing is they’re convinced to this day that that stuff is actually normal!

    I know for myself that there are times I feel threatened by others, when nothing cruel or malicious is intended. I’m so used to being on the defensive, that it’s hard for me to relate to…well, “normal.” I still see others with an all or nothing attitude: They’re either the greatest friends in the world or the worst. It’s hard to readjust to “normal,” especially when it hasn’t been safe for us in the past. Everyone can be “shitty” sometimes, but not everyone is always that way (if that makes sence). I do know that it’s certainly not you. Your fine. Believe me, you really are fine. I don’t have to know you personally, the fact that your asking questions and searching for something better is evidence enough of that.

    I still have no friends. Just can’t seem to figure out how friendships work yet. That’s okay, though, I’m figuring it out as I go along.

    Just know that I (for one) don’t think it’s you. Sometimes it’s just hard to find folks who will understand enough, or are perhaps just empathetic and compassionate enough, to help you heal and bring you a sense of safety and contentment.

    Just know we’re here for you!

    Be Well, My Friend

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Friendship is something I’ve always had a hard time navigating, as well. I have maybe two or three close friends, and then just people I know and talk to. But I feel like I have to question every interaction with all the not-friends in my life. My close friends know me well enough to know I mean well. For the not-friends, I’m exquisitely polite to everyone. But when I have to put my foot down or say “no”, people seem completely taken aback. Like I said in an earlier post, maybe I just need to be mean and have a good, old fashioned “fuck it all” attitude.

      But I don’t think my anxiety will allow that.

      Thanks for your reply! It really cheered me up. When I get into an anxiety cycle I cant shake, writing it out really helps. Especially having this rediculous logic based personality. Throw in hormones and it’s like a perfect storm lol.

      Hope you have a good rest of your day!


  2. You, like all people, deserve love and kindness, happiness and gentleness. Unfortunately, there are far too many of us out there who didn’t get it, and now it’s like an old ache. Just the slightest provocation and we feel the same way we did before. We have to learn to overcome the expectation of negative. I think it sets us up for failure. But it is damn hard.

    Liked by 1 person

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