I think I’m having sort of mental/emotional break down that’s more than just stupid hormones.
I think there is something wrong with my brain.
This has gone on since goddamn tuesday and I cant shake it.
I guess the easiest way to explain what is going on in my brain is that I just feel like I gave all this love and kindness and compassion to shitty people and I feel like I just dont have anything left for me; just sadness, anger, and disappointment.
I’m not feeling suicidal…. I just dont want to be in this place in this time. I want my brain to just stop, but it wont.
I’m pretty sure I’ve cried myself sick.
S.O. flaked on me this weekend.
That was a hell of a gut punch especially after I told him about my panic attack on tuesday whilst having it — which is new, because I usually tell him like a week later. I didnt “tell” him per se… we texted. I am one of those people who becomes an inarticulate blubbering mess… kind of like right now.
But I dont want him to worry; I dont want to bother anyone with the bullshit going on in my head.
But I’m just getting to the point where I may have to.
I just worry about the reprocutions. I dont want people to think I’m crazy or weak.
I’m just so done with shitty people and shitty places. I’m sick of people being so goddamn hateful. Taking kindness that I give, spitting on it, and lighting it on fire.
I just cant. I’m sorry.
I try to present myself as someone who is strong and together, but I’m not.
I just want to go to sleep and wake up and not feel all this anger and sadness and just so shitty.
My mental health day made my mental health worse.
Update: S.O. came into town this morning and cheered me up. Spending the day with Furutama and snuggles.