The Cry for Help

I think I’m having sort of mental/emotional break down that’s more than just stupid hormones.

I think there is something wrong with my brain.

This has gone on since goddamn tuesday and I cant shake it.

I guess the easiest way to explain what is going on in my brain is that I just feel like I gave all this love and kindness and compassion to shitty people and I feel like I just dont have anything left for me; just sadness, anger, and disappointment.

I’m not feeling suicidal…. I just dont want to be in this place in this time. I want my brain to just stop, but it wont.

I’m pretty sure I’ve cried myself sick.

S.O. flaked on me this weekend.

That was a hell of a gut punch especially after I told him about my panic attack on tuesday whilst having it — which is new, because I usually tell him like a week later. I didnt “tell” him per se… we texted. I am one of those people who becomes an inarticulate blubbering mess… kind of like right now.

But I dont want him to worry; I dont want to bother anyone with the bullshit going on in my head.

But I’m just getting to the point where I may have to.

I just worry about the reprocutions. I dont want people to think I’m crazy or weak.

I’m just so done with shitty people and shitty places. I’m sick of people being so goddamn hateful. Taking kindness that I give, spitting on it, and lighting it on fire.

I just cant. I’m sorry.

I try to present myself as someone who is strong and together, but I’m not.

Again, sorry.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up and not feel all this anger and sadness and just so shitty.

My mental health day made my mental health worse.

Update: S.O. came into town this morning and cheered me up. Spending the day with Furutama and snuggles.

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8 thoughts on “The Cry for Help

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Why don’t you unwind for a bit? I mean, no matter how much shitty people have been to you, this life STILL belongs to YOU. People are only SECONDARY characters, but you’re the main CHARACTER in your story.

    I’ve dealt with filthy people myself who were extremely ungrateful and unempthatetic to me. I know exactly how it feels like – being walked over. But, trust me, let it hurt, let it bleed and let it go.

    People are only people and they will all die one day. Try to focus on yourself – your craft, your skills. Spend time with yourself. Nurture for yourself. Take care of yourself with kindness. You don’t need anybody and to be frank, we’re all alone. Let’s convert that into our strength rather than our weakness.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What an awful time for you. An overload of emotioms going on here. My daughter gets overwhelmed like this, for different reasons, at university. My advice is to get out into the world where you can see others living their lives and get things into perspective. A walk in the park, a mooch round the shops something like that, your brain will quieten down to a mere whisper and you’ll be able to function properly. Don’t stay home alone as dwelling will only make it worse. Hope this helps. Best wishes 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A lot of what you are saying can be related to by many many people.

    You say you don’t want to bother people with bullshit but you might have to, if you don’t want to talk to some one write it down. It never has to see the light of day but writing it out can help.

    I write so many stories that never get published purely because they are written as a release. They don’t always help, they don’t always change my mind set but there are times where they do and those times are worth while.

    Liked by 2 people

      • I can’t speak for you but when I didn’t know what to do with myself I just shut down. It wasn’t the best thing for my life and those I thought cared enough about me to understand didn’t even notice. In some ways it was good because in shutting down I wrote, some stuff no one will ever see, some stuff became my last book, but I wrote to calm the mind.
        If I had my time again I would definitely re-think the way I shut down but I wouldn’t re-think the writing cocoon I went into.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. So sorry to hear of this. On my phone so can’t write a lot.

    It sounds like your in pain, not crazy. Sounds like you need more loving people in your life. Easier said than done, I know. I remember you mentioned some friends who understood. Are they available? Venting isn’t cure all, but might help.

    Yea, people can be…dissapointing (to put it nicely). Personally, I have no friends. Had too many bad experiences and those who lived more normal life can be uncomfortable and scared off.

    If nothing else we are here. So sorry to read of your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. It means a lot. I think S.O. realizes I’m having a bad time and is coming to see me this weekend. Also, I had my two closest friends reach out to me. It’s so very difficult to find meaningful companionship in life. I’ve had two people who I was close with in the past few months just magically write me off without telling me what I did wrong. I’m the type of person that if you tell me I did something wrong I will explain my thought processes, apologize, and fix it.

      Pretty straight forward, yeah? Not so much. And now that I’ve had to people write me off for no discernable reason, I’m just terrified that if I say the wrong thing I’ll have to go through this again.

      I had to cull the friend circle dramatically to the point where I have my S.O. who I love deeply and has been my best friend for six and a half years. Besty and her boyfriend (who I need to make up a pseudonym for) are my two closest friends where I’m at… then a handfull of people I love, but they’re hours away. I dont trust my family; they dont seem to understand what I’m going through and I know they will use it against me.

      I mean, this is one of the happier times in my life — im self sufficient, I have a good job, my own place, I’m more comfortable in my skin…

      But it is a very lonely time.

      I will admit, my worpress family has been awesome.

      And even though you are a complete stranger who probably lives across the world, I’m here to talk if you need someone.

      Thanks again. Hope you have a good weekend.

      Also pardon typos; typing with thumbs.

      Like

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