I did a lot of mental evaluation this weekend; some productive, some unhealthy, some null, and some hopeful.
While eating omlettes at IHOP before catching the Sunday matinee for John Wick (which was awesome and I highly recommend as a good action flick), S.O. and I postulated variables for my female pettiness in the workpkace research project….
Research has always been a way to remove myself emotionally from a situation — I take a step back, note behaviors, analyze patterns, reference to other research and apply.
I will admit, instead of jumping right back into work, I may have a few “door closed days” where I just keep my office door closed and throw myself into work and procrastinating (aka writing and research).
That is how I plan on protecting myself from work bullshit. The door closed will aid in allowing me to play catch-me-up from my not mentally healthy Friday off, and not be drawn into their bullshit.
Also, I desperately need to lower my expectations in people; just assume people are going to be shitty and if they aren’t, then it’s a pleasent surprise.
Everybody is an unknown quantity of some sort. I have to account for these variables. I mean, I’d assumed that because the traitor work “friend” who briefly caused me to question my belief in humanity had told me some deeply personal stuff (cheating husband, STD, crazy family, etc) that we were close. And I didn’t take into account the race factor. As I’ve said multiple times — I dont care about your race, creed, color and just because you are X doesn’t make you any more or less than me. Period.
My assumption was even though I believe those things, she may not — other folks too. Her experiences with race differ from mine. This is not saying her experiences emulate the experiences of all Black people… but I have to understand the even though I look at a person and see a human being and NOT a skin color, other people don’t. And because of that she may feel a better connection with a fellow Black person she’s known for five minutes, then the White girl she’s known for months… whose gone out of her way to help her on multiple occasions… and with whom she’s spilled her deepest secrets to… who has shown concern for her physical and emotional wellbeing…
Which makes no logical sense, but I don’t have the same experiences she has had with racial issues — it is beyond my ability to rationalize.
But her new coworker besty seems to have umbridge with me because she is new and I trained her, I have to quality assurance check (QA) her work…. and she ain’t doing so hot. So, maybe she feels like I’m being too hard on her (because the other lady who started at the same time is doing awesome… also, she’s Hispanic), not that because she’s the one that keeps fucking up, but because she thinks I’m racist?
Or it could be an age thing — she’s gotta be at least 20 years older than I am.
But the lesson of the story is that you could be Mother Theresa or Gandhi or Jesus, and people are still going to think negative things about you, even if you possess any of those negative things they think you do.
This isnt saying I’m perfect — I’m very, very far from it and have done some pretty fucked up things…
So, I’m going to keep on doing what I’m doing, keeping the moral high ground, and let karma take care of it.
Because, I’ve seen some pretty awesome instances of karma in cases like these. So, I’m going to sit back and watch it play out and document everything.