The Fleeting Things

My day went from mildly productive to scary. I went out for my morning break walk and had a massive allergic reaction.

Took two hits of my albuterol inhaler and flonase, but that didnt stop the hyperventilating, throat closing, panic attack I had — tight chest, tense muscles, gulping breaths, clammy hands, flushed face.

Albuterol already makes me shaky.

Luckily I work with some amazing nurses and spent half an hour being calmed and checked, then sent home and told to take benadryl and rest.

After being home for almost two full days this week, I can safely say I have cabin fever. And I’m petrified of going out lest I have another incident.

Before talking to our nurse, I called S.O., completely freaking out… twice. I was worried I needed to go to the ER because of anaphylaxis and chest pains, but I was overreacting.

So… cabin fever.

Means I need to distract myself, because the wheels in my head get to turning.

I realized, I’ve lived in this town three years and I only have two really good friends. And the idea of going out and making new friends seems exhausting — I just cant invest in people and keep getting let down.

I mean, I see my coworkers more than my friends. Which the more I think about it the sadder THAT is. I’m stuck with a bunch of folks who I mostly dont like for 40+ hours a week.

Soul crushing.

I have my family, but they’re support is tenuous at best.

I have S.O., but even that feels fleeting. I see him maybe twice a month, but talk to him daily.

I just wonder — are people in life meant to be fleeting things?

I will be the first to admit, I’m awkward and bad with people.

Do I just need to look at the good times, and when people start being flaky or toxic, to move on and try to not hold resentment?

Maybe I’m flaky and toxic and folks need to get away from me.

I just feel like as a person, as a woman, I cant just be. If I’m nice, I’m ‘sarcastic’ or fake. If I’m excited, then I’m obnoxious or a spaz. Mean, aloof, matter of fact, nonplussed or just there breathing, then I’m a bitch. If I argue or stand up for myself, then I am unruly or disrespectful. If I am accepting, then I’m boring.

I dont know what to be anymore. ‘Me’ isn’t good enough.

Is life just a game to impress people so that you bond, have some happy moments, then move on?

Is life just mean to be short fleeting moments of happiness, in a void of all the other shitty things?

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15 thoughts on “The Fleeting Things

  1. I’d join you in the teepee but being around people sucks. 🙂

    I pretty much grew up in this town, I speak to no one I went to school with, most I don’t even recognise. I spent most of my early twenties hanging out with 40+ yr olds, then moved away for 15 years and when I came back I brought my wife with me but since coming back she’s really my only friend and the way she looks at me I think she’s ready to kill me. We have two friends through one of the kids but the rest of the people we know are little more than acquaintances. Friends are too much work.

    I shall now crawl back into my hole where daylight doesn’t reach. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’d originally typed out a reply on Saturday… but my phone was being stupid.

      I guess I’m one of those people who say I’d be okay with solitude, living off the grid, providing my own food. Honestly one of my pipe dreams is to join the tiny house movement, buy some land in the middle of nowhere where there at least is a winter, and grow a garden, hunt my own food and have solar power and just be me and my two cats.

      Pinnacle of crazy catlady-dom.

      But I know me and I’d get lonely.

      Like

      • Saturday seems so far away 🙂

        Sometimes I guess we all have to come out of our tepee.

        When we first moved to the country, when I was a wee youngen, my dad used to describe the area we lived in as “far enough the neighbours can’t hear you fight but close enough they can help you call for help.” It kind of stuck with me all these years because I think it’s worth living that way.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Agreed. Even though I live in an apartment and I’m so used to people being so close, it would be nice. I grew up in a more rural area and spent my childhood outside in the woods building forts and playing pretend.

          I really kind of want that for my children. I see kids cooped up playing video games instead of going outside and playing. My mom literally used to kick us out in the mornings and we had to be within earshot and be home before dark.

          Like

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