My day went from mildly productive to scary. I went out for my morning break walk and had a massive allergic reaction.
Took two hits of my albuterol inhaler and flonase, but that didnt stop the hyperventilating, throat closing, panic attack I had — tight chest, tense muscles, gulping breaths, clammy hands, flushed face.
Albuterol already makes me shaky.
Luckily I work with some amazing nurses and spent half an hour being calmed and checked, then sent home and told to take benadryl and rest.
After being home for almost two full days this week, I can safely say I have cabin fever. And I’m petrified of going out lest I have another incident.
Before talking to our nurse, I called S.O., completely freaking out… twice. I was worried I needed to go to the ER because of anaphylaxis and chest pains, but I was overreacting.
So… cabin fever.
Means I need to distract myself, because the wheels in my head get to turning.
I realized, I’ve lived in this town three years and I only have two really good friends. And the idea of going out and making new friends seems exhausting — I just cant invest in people and keep getting let down.
I mean, I see my coworkers more than my friends. Which the more I think about it the sadder THAT is. I’m stuck with a bunch of folks who I mostly dont like for 40+ hours a week.
I have my family, but they’re support is tenuous at best.
I have S.O., but even that feels fleeting. I see him maybe twice a month, but talk to him daily.
I just wonder — are people in life meant to be fleeting things?
I will be the first to admit, I’m awkward and bad with people.
Do I just need to look at the good times, and when people start being flaky or toxic, to move on and try to not hold resentment?
Maybe I’m flaky and toxic and folks need to get away from me.
I just feel like as a person, as a woman, I cant just be. If I’m nice, I’m ‘sarcastic’ or fake. If I’m excited, then I’m obnoxious or a spaz. Mean, aloof, matter of fact, nonplussed or just there breathing, then I’m a bitch. If I argue or stand up for myself, then I am unruly or disrespectful. If I am accepting, then I’m boring.
I dont know what to be anymore. ‘Me’ isn’t good enough.
Is life just a game to impress people so that you bond, have some happy moments, then move on?
Is life just mean to be short fleeting moments of happiness, in a void of all the other shitty things?