The Things I Do For Friends


Story time!

Many, many years ago I was good friends with this girl Jesse (obvs pseudonym).

She had a host of medical issues and we frequented the ER, because Jesse didn’t have insurance.

The first time was for peeing blood from a really nasty kidney infection.

The second time, the bleeding was elsewhere.

I got the call from a mutual guy friend, pseudonym Nick, that Jesse needed some moral support at the ER.

So, I went.

Not much was explained on why Jesse was back in the ER.

We checked in and finally, after waiting about an hour with frequent trips to the ladies’ room from Jesse, we make it to the triage nurse.

She does all the vital checking.

“So, Jesse, what brings you in today?”

“I’m bleeding,” says Jesse.

“From where?” asks the nurse.

“Out my ass.”

I’m dying trying to contain my laugh. My gut tightens and I am just struggling not to let out some obnoxious laughter.

“Was it trauma?” the triage nurse asks.

“No! I don’t do anal or anything!”

I’m about to die. I look at Nick and I can tell he’s in the same predicament.

So, they put us in this room and tell Jesse to strip down and put on one of the dreaded gowns. It was cold in the hospital, so I gave her my sweater and Nick gave her his jacket.

The nurse checks on us a few times, until the doctor walks in.

This dude had to be like 6’5″, and just burly. Doesn’t help that he’s wearing grim reaper black scrubs.

He asks Nick and I to step out of the room, look at each other and start snickering.

Holy god!

I mean, we both legitimately felt terrible for Jesse, but I just about died after “out my ass.”

We are ushered back into the room. Jesse’s curled up in the fetal position with Nick’s jacket and my sweater.

“So, you feel a bit violated?” Nick asks.


Then we left and went to Denny’s for pancakes.

Turns out it was a fissure.




23 thoughts on “The Things I Do For Friends

  1. Oh dear, your hospital stories are much funnier than mine.

    Most of mine are horror stories, not horror like Freddie Kruger paying a visit to the ER, horror because I wanted to kill someone, or on a few occasions everyone

    Liked by 1 person

    • The only truly horrible ER visit I’ve done… well two. Like three days after my homeless adventure started my dad had some instant karma and fell off a scaffold while installing accoustical ceiling tiles. He shattered his wrist, messed up his shoulder, and fractured his pelvis. This was in the north of Atlanta. I’d never driven through Atlanta before (if you’ve seen US news recently, some crack heads accidentally burned down/collapsed a section of the interstate in Atlanta). Then I got there and he was in like horrible agonizing pain and had to go to surgery. But there was a dude shot in the belly they were trying to get into the OR, too. It was kind of crazy.

      Then there was that time I had the flu. Well, I’ve had the flu twice in my life — the first time as a child and second as an adult. As a child I just remembered being sick and hallucinating a black cat. I woke my dad up at like 3am to find the black cat, which he knew to be a hallucination. The second, not as entertaining time, was having the flu while on my homeless adventure. I had to get a shot of penicillin in the butt. The most painful shot ever, next to a toroidal shot and TDAP vaccine. Then I cried in the bath tub when I got home.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thankfully most of my horror stories came from not being a patient but an escort of an ex g/f who had to spend on average 4 hours every 2 weeks in the ER, rarely was it quick and sometimes it turned into a week long visit. But going in for her usual on a Friday or Saturday night was some kind of hell. Nurses and doctors do not get paid anywhere near enough to put up with the kind of shit they put up with everyday of the week but on a Friday and Saturday night when dumb shits of society just want to write themselves off with whatever shit they can nurses and doctors should get paid triple. Or they should be able to pick and choose who they help!
        Nothing like a nice quiet Friday night spent with wasted zombies, drug addled wrecks, psychotic behaviour, blood from accidents that shouldn’t have happened and people pushed around on gurneys covered with a sheet. You only have to see one covered body to know why its covered.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Your a very nice person, who is a good writer. Thank you so much for the follow. We would love your feedback on a few of our shorts at Gastradamus. Our heavy hitters are Eatin a Eskimo, A few good Fries and Lardy Arms. If you give us legitimate feedback than I will send my followers your way, which is good because there great people and it will help out your numbers

    Liked by 1 person

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