Well, it’s been an eventful uneventful weekend.
S.O. came down this weekend and we did absolutely, annoyingly, frustratingly nothing.
I don’t really like to discuss my relationship with S.O. because I feel it gives people an open door to give me unsolicited advice about my relationship.
And I know they mean well (or do they?), and are trying to be helpful. But, dear God, don’t give unsolicited relationship advice. And this isn’t me soliciting relationship advice, it’s just, I need to get it out.
I cried when S.O. left. Like he held me before he left and told me he’d try harder.
It has been two years next month, almost exactly, that he promised to marry me. He was going to move the WHOLE hour and a half from where he lives/I lived and get a job, and we’re going to get a bigger place and have happily ever after or something.
But this whole weekend, we did nothing even though he knew I wanted to go out.
But part of it is my fault.
I left work early on Friday to run errands before he came in and also to OCD clean my apartment — rearrainged furniture, swept, mopped, baseboards, the whole shebang.
The next day I was very sore and thought I pulled something in my lower back. Also, my stomach was being weird and I needed to be within reach of a bathroom.
There was this Warhammer Tournament thing at the local game store on Saturday and S.O. is into Warhammer… I just like painting… and I figured it was a good way for us to have bonding time whilst I painted and he played and he got to network and make friends down here.
We layed around all day yesterday and watched movies.
And, ya’ll, I’ve been itching for a beach weekend now that the weather is getting warmer.
So today, we crawled out briefly to get breakfast at Waffle House, and then ran an errand for his parents to Bass Pro Shop to pick up a boat part.
“Hey, since we’re out and about, you wanna go to the retro game store (in the mall)?”
“Nah, don’t have any money.” — lies… he just doesn’t like to spend money and squirrels it away while I’m struggling to make ends meet with medical bills and regular bills. And he has less bills than me. The only bill he has that’s more than mine is his phone bill, and that’s because he got suckered into a Verizon contract. But on the plus side, he has amazing phone service and definitely gets what he pays for. He lives on family property and his “rent” is utilities — power, internet, garbage, no water because well, insurance, gas, misc stuff.
My bills are probably around $1k more than his per month.
I mean, it’s a miracle he agreed to pay for my IUD insertion appointment copay in two weeks.
And this doesn’t mean I feel entitled to his money… it’s perspective. Yes, he makes like $5k/annualy less than I do.
I guess it’s the fact that we are, in fact, engaged to be married and he knows I am struggling, but doesn’t offer. Still haven’t told him I sold my ring over a year ago to pay rent at this gigantic apartment I lived in before when I was anticipating his exodus to be much sooner and we’d have two incomes to pay for the giant nice apartment. This happened around Christmas, when I was broke from travelling and don’t get paid holidays.
But this weekend, he just annoyed the shit out of me. Little things — mostly complaining.
Like he complained about money, about traffic, about the goddamn redlights, about the job market, about his parents… just goddamn.
And finally, as he was leaving, he finally asked, “are you angry with me?”
I held up my thumb and index finger half an inch apart.
And in my usual style, when dealing with emotional topics I cant logic my way out of, I cried. And he held me. I told him that all he did was fucking complain this weekend and if he wasn’t happy with this arraingement, that he created, that why is he doing this? Also, that us going to the Warhammer tournament was a good opportunity to get some networking done.
Also I told him he needed to try harder. Like how he thinks normal people try, but 3x harder.
And its not like he’s not applying. I’ve seen his resume and his coverletters are impressive. But in almost two years hasn’t gotten an interview.
I just don’t know anymore.
And there have been so many job openings in my division, but I can’t recommend him because conflict of interest.
I mean, I don’t live in a job desert — I live near a major university, several smaller universities, two hospitals, lots of businesses, state government…
I told him I didn’t care if he bags groceries at Publix, WITH an MPA degree… as long as he was here.
And I’m sorry, but I refuse to move back where he lives — salaries are lower, less jobs, old ghosts, bad water, etc… Plus the family property he lives on is an old rickety wooden house with the nastiest sulphur well water ever and horrible plumbing. Like, making a number two at his house is so embarassing because it will not go down. I have to flush, pray it doesn’t over flow, flush again, shit it overflowed, plunge for 15 minutes, pray some more, and maybe it will go down.
I am allergic to his house AND got bit by a recluse spider there once while sleeping on the inside of my thigh. Had to go to the ER.
Also his family lives nearby, and I’m pretty sure his mom hates me guts.
And this isn’t that I don’t love him. I love him so much and I want to marry the man.
But nearing the two year mark of being engaged and less than six months from 30, I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time too busy waiting to live my life.