The Come To Jesus Talk


Well, it’s been an eventful uneventful weekend.

S.O. came down this weekend and we did absolutely, annoyingly, frustratingly nothing.

I don’t really like to discuss my relationship with S.O. because I feel it gives people an open door to give me unsolicited advice about my relationship.

And I know they mean well (or do they?), and are trying to be helpful. But, dear God, don’t give unsolicited relationship advice. And this isn’t me soliciting relationship advice, it’s just, I need to get it out.

I cried when S.O. left. Like he held me before he left and told me he’d try harder.

It has been two years next month, almost exactly, that he promised to marry me. He was going to move the WHOLE hour and a half from where he lives/I lived and get a job, and we’re going to get a bigger place and have happily ever after or something.

But this whole weekend, we did nothing even though he knew I wanted to go out.

But part of it is my fault.

I left work early on Friday to run errands before he came in and also to OCD clean my apartment — rearrainged furniture, swept, mopped, baseboards, the whole shebang.

The next day I was very sore and thought I pulled something in my lower back. Also, my stomach was being weird and I needed to be within reach of a bathroom.

There was this Warhammer Tournament thing at the local game store on Saturday and S.O. is into Warhammer… I just like painting… and I figured it was a good way for us to have bonding time whilst I painted and he played and he got to network and make friends down here.


We layed around all day yesterday and watched movies.

And, ya’ll, I’ve been itching for a beach weekend now that the weather is getting warmer.

So today, we crawled out briefly to get breakfast at Waffle House, and then ran an errand for his parents to Bass Pro Shop to pick up a boat part.

“Hey, since we’re out and about, you wanna go to the retro game store (in the mall)?”

“Nah, don’t have any money.” — lies… he just doesn’t like to spend money and squirrels it away while I’m struggling to make ends meet with medical bills and regular bills. And he has less bills than me. The only bill he has that’s more than mine is his phone bill, and that’s because he got suckered into a Verizon contract. But on the plus side, he has amazing phone service and definitely gets what he pays for. He lives on family property and his “rent” is utilities — power, internet, garbage, no water because well, insurance, gas, misc stuff.

My bills are probably around $1k more than his per month.

I mean, it’s a miracle he agreed to pay for my IUD insertion appointment copay in two weeks.

And this doesn’t mean I feel entitled to his money… it’s perspective. Yes, he makes like $5k/annualy less than I do.

I guess it’s the fact that we are, in fact, engaged to be married and he knows I am struggling, but doesn’t offer. Still haven’t told him I sold my ring over a year ago to pay rent at this gigantic apartment I lived in before when I was anticipating his exodus to be much sooner and we’d have two incomes to pay for the giant nice apartment. This happened around Christmas, when I was broke from travelling and don’t get paid holidays.

But this weekend, he just annoyed the shit out of me. Little things — mostly complaining.

Like he complained about money, about traffic, about the goddamn redlights, about the job market, about his parents… just goddamn.

And finally, as he was leaving, he finally asked, “are you angry with me?”

I held up my thumb and index finger half an inch apart.

And in my usual style, when dealing with emotional topics I cant logic my way out of, I cried. And he held me. I told him that all he did was fucking complain this weekend and if he wasn’t happy with this arraingement, that he created, that why is he doing this? Also, that us going to the Warhammer tournament was a good opportunity to get some networking done.

Also I told him he needed to try harder. Like how he thinks normal people try, but 3x harder.

And its not like he’s not applying. I’ve seen his resume and his coverletters are impressive. But in almost two years hasn’t gotten an interview.

I just don’t know anymore.

And there have been so many job openings in my division, but I can’t recommend him because conflict of interest.

I mean, I don’t live in a job desert — I live near a major university, several smaller universities, two hospitals, lots of businesses, state government…

I told him I didn’t care if he bags groceries at Publix, WITH an MPA degree… as long as he was here.

And I’m sorry, but I refuse to move back where he lives — salaries are lower, less jobs, old ghosts, ย bad water, etc… Plus the family property he lives on is an old rickety wooden house with the nastiest sulphur well water ever and horrible plumbing. Like, making a number two at his house is so embarassing because it will not go down. I have to flush, pray it doesn’t over flow, flush again, shit it overflowed, plunge for 15 minutes, pray some more, and maybe it will go down.

I am allergic to his house AND got bit by a recluse spider there once while sleeping on the inside of my thigh. Had to go to the ER.

Also his family lives nearby, and I’m pretty sure his mom hates me guts.

And this isn’t that I don’t love him. I love him so much and I want to marry the man.

But nearing the two year mark of being engaged and less than six months from 30, I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time too busy waiting to live my life.


31 thoughts on “The Come To Jesus Talk

  1. Ok I just read every word you typed and I can tell you want my advice, so here is my advice on how to make your life better based on my own thoughts, thoughts you should live by because I am better than you!
    Bear with me this could take some time to type out, but honestly you need to hear it, it’s for your own good!!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Oh yeah in a house full of women you quickly learn the only things you can help with is to reach the things on the top shelf and open the stubborn jar lids.

        I’m open to throwing advice around but honestly after being called a peado in deleted comments by another blogger yesterday my advice would obviously be terrible.

        Liked by 1 person

          • Yeah I was a bit pissed off. Usually I will leave insulting comments on the blog and try and get the person to explain themselves but not that comment. All because of the last line in a poem that 10 other people liked, well at least that’s what I assume was the girls issue. I know how the last line sounded (like an advert) it sounded odd but that’s why I put a link on it.

            So with that in mind what advice would you like today ๐Ÿ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

          • Some folks are too sensitive….

            Advice — how to still not feel like a failure even though you have a roof, food, power, etc…. I guess the failure is in the whole “scraping by” thing.

            Oooo! Did think of a good story today — group of college grads who are techy and have other skills, but cant find well paying jobs/careers and have mountains of student anc other debt, game the system/rob a bank or something — maybe deal drugs online through the dark web. But shenanigans ensue. Offshore accounts. Maybe a blow habit. Dunno…. still fleshing it out.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I’m not saying I couldn’t offer advice but like your post says people seem to think expressing a feeling means you want their advice and that is annoying.

            The word failure shits me. My grand mother always thought I was a failure (and didn’t mind telling me) because the business I opened closed it’s doors after 6 months. She refused to accept that for the following 10 years (before she died) I made about 10 times the money running as a freelancer without the costs of having a shop front. It was simply that the doors shut on a shop therefore business failed. People who focus on shit like that annoy me. Success comes in so many other ways, if people can’t see it then they should STFU.

            I have had ideas like that but everytime I have an idea which involves things like robbing banks etc I get to caught up thinking I don’t know the police procedures well enough to write about so I just throw it in the too hard basket.

            Liked by 1 person

          • So the question is, does your phone hate you or me?

            The thing that scares me is that I choose not to write stories that involve police procedure because I don’t know it, but all four of the novel length pieces I have involve murder…I might have a secret!


          • That’s why I don’t buy new phones. I make friends with the one I have and we stick together. My phone is about 2 yrs old and before that I didn’t even have a smart phone.

            No super hero, I don’t save anyone in my books, I kill them all, they all suck and they deserve death!

            And those mean in white coats are here to protect me too!!

            Liked by 1 person

          • I hate phones so I tend not to use mine and I rarely use it for internet so I can make them last. Even in the truck where things needed to be tough I only ever broke one phone because I dropped it on the floor of a shop while doing a delivery.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I have to restart mine AND pop the battery out just to get service. I can’t make calls from my apartment. I barely have internet.

            I’m just hoping that my neighbors hear me scream and/or gunfire so they know to call the police if I’m in trouble.

            Although my phone did subvert me from diet cheating last night — was trying to order Jimmy John’s sandwich and a large chocolate chip cookie after mine and S.O.’s come to Jesus talk — just needed some comfort food.

            And then I ended up making ratatouille — unintentionally. I had an extra eggplant and I was like, hey these things sound good together whilst baked in an oven.

            Liked by 1 person

          • My phone would never do that for me, because if I wanted to order something my first point would be one of the computers. Even if I was out of the house my brain would tell me to wait until I got home. So maybe your phone isn’t possessed it’s caring ๐Ÿ™‚

            I’m not an egg plant person so you lost me there ๐Ÿ˜›

            Liked by 1 person

          • I mean, I’ve never had home made mayo. But store bought mayo — gross. Like in tuna or chicken salad, I always sub for greek yogurt or sour cream as the “lubricant”. I can’t stand when something tastes like mayo. And for some reason, my family thinks more is better. Gross.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Ah. Yeah. Desperate is the word to use. But vinegar and condensed milk. That’s different.

            Another thing aussies are known for eating, probably stereotypical of course, is vegimite (sp?). I’ve had it and thought it was weird and very salty. But that’s the kind they have here. Maybe different there?

            Liked by 1 person

          • Vegemite and yeah it’s the same stuff, it was originally made in the 1920’s to get rid of excess brewers yeast and the sale preserved it. As a kid I used to have it with cheese but as an adult I don’t have it often. We kind of have a reputation for eating it but I don’t think it’s as popular as it used to be.

            They made a Cheesy-mite a few years ago and although it’s still available it’s not popular but it does taste better, more cheesy and less salt.

            Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s