I need to set a timeline for how long I’m going to mope and whine about the “automatic disqualification”.
When I get like this I have a very detached sense of things and everything seems fleeting. Because I have this awesome anxiety disorder, I get into fight or flight mode. I know fight mode will have consequences.
Punching a wall makes a hole. Lighting things on fire is arson. Going to jail means criminal record.
So I go for flight — just the urge to pack up and leave and start somewhere new.
This rain doesn’t help.
We haven’t had a good rain in a while. It was strange waking up to not sunshine.
Last night, I got home, did the feeling sorry for myself thing/having an anxiety thing.
So I took two benadryl, because I know it will calm me pretty quickly.
Generally I don’t like medicating for anxiety attacks, but when I hit a certain point, I just need to do it to shut my brain off for a little bit.
Also, my doctor won’t give me xanax/klonopin because other folks like to get addicted and/or sell it.
Slept on the couch from about 7-11pm last night.
Got up, went to bed, laid there and watched a science documentary on youtube.
And went back to sleep.
But then I woke up just as pissed and despondent as before.
I feel like I just need some renewed purpose — some sort of change or flux in my life.
Writing helps some. I can get things out of my head and bounce ideas off other folks going through something similar.
Also, I’m still pissed with S.O. for his inability to try with something else — I sent him a yummy keto recipe on FB, bacon wrapped string cheese. He said something about his cholesterol and I’m like, have you not read any of the literature I sent. And mind you, these are government studies and from my keto bible website — not shady, but blocked at his work for some reason.
And he comes back with this snark:
I’m not even going to try to logically explain why he’s full of shit and refuses to try to do anything that would make his life better.
Oh, and none of the links I sent were suspicious.