The Treatise on Naming Children


I’m going to keep this as anon as possible, but what folks are naming their kids these days is HIGHlarious.

I work with babies and I see TONS of baby names.

When I first started, I heard the urban legend of the baby named “Chlamydia”.

Yes it happened.

Erotica and Ariola are two of my other favorites.

The first bizarre name I came in contact with was “Sir’Majesty”.

I will never forget it.

I’ve seen my fair share of Emma, every variation of Kaiden, Aiden, and Jaden. Amyah, Anyah, Alyah, Alana, Arianna, Ariah, Aiyana, Alani, Amani…. Liam — so much Liam. And Nevaeh — no, you are not clever.

And what’s with all the apostrophes??? Ja’Mari, C’Ire, Ja’Ziah, Mi’Layah, Ke’Zara, Da’Kota, A’Myah, Za’Roya, Β An’Tonio, Ra’Kai…

Or people naming their kids after objects or ideas — Journey, Vintage, Success, Scenic, Diamond, Pilot, Sincere, Treasure, Promise, Freedom, Peaches, Apple, Kale, Chevy, Bentley, Mercedes, True, Amazin, Colt, Remington, Ruger.

Dude just name your kid Stapler, Plunger, Bleach, Enema, or Coffee Cup and be done with it.

Also folks that give their kids “inspirational names”, that are a lot to live up to — King, Messiah, Prince, Queen, Princess, Diamond, Majesty, Legend, Caesar, Countess, Dutchess, Duke, Marquis.


Because I have a name which got made of soooo much in high school, I cannot give my children such a name. Nor do I want them to be another Brittany, Ashley, Justin, Cody… etc.

When I lived in the freshman dorm, there were 5-10 Brittany’s on my hall; we had to call them by their last name.

And I’ve gotten a lot of shit about my name — specifically people who I interact with on a daily basis who do not know how to spell or pronounce my name.

When I was in high school, “Roses” by Outkast came out:

First, my name isn’t “Caroline”.

There is no “I” in my first name.

But it didn’t stop folks in the hall — “CAROLIIIIIIIINNNNNEEEEEEEEE”

Or CURLanne — because I have very curly hair. Get it!?!??!


S.O. and I talked kids names. We have lots of good male family names — Henry, James, Brett, Thomas, Richard, Robert, etc…

Our female names, not so much — Tammy, Lynette, Ruth, Lynda, Rosalie, Carol, Deborah, etc…


So I wanted to go German if we have a girl/s — my family is very German. Those here who know my last name can vouch.

I love the name “Adelheid” (pronounced A-del-hide) and can be shortened to Heidi.

Also, I love the name “Astrid”.

We both have some Irish ancestry — I love the name “Saoirse” (pronounced Seer-Sha), or “Aoife” (pronounced Ee-Fa)

S.O. also has a lot of Italian on his mom’s side — Maybe “Gianna” or “Serafina”

But there will be no Emma, no Brittany, no Liam, no Jaden, no Isabella, no Edward…

No goddamn King’Legend’Amazin’Cullen’Raspberry’Chlorox




20 thoughts on “The Treatise on Naming Children

  1. Wow! I thought I’d heard some crazy kid names but Sir’majesty takes the cake. My name is sort of unusual. Not that weird but odd enough that I could never find a pencil or a keychain or anything like that with my name on it. I would want my kid to have that option. But I agree, you don’t want to go too common so that they always have to be Jennifer R. or John T. It’s a fine line.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awwweee you think you had it hard, that’s sweet, how do you think it was growing up with a name like Lost Property πŸ˜›

    Naming kids goes one of two ways, either the parents think they have to make the silliest name possible to make they kid stand out and make them look special, or they spend hours trying to think of something that doesn’t get picked on. Well as far as the second one goes kids are arseholes they are going to pick on other kids for anything. It’s a bit like doing a safety audit, hide everything and the person checking will look until they find it, make something obvious and they will find it any give up. Kids will always tease, that doesn’t mean you should name your kid ABCDE (Abceedee apparently) cause that sucks but there could be worse things than naming your kid something weird like Carolanne πŸ™‚

    My wife wont admit it openly but she still holds some resentment towards me because I couldn’t name our kids what she wanted. It wasn’t that either name was that bad but at the time all I could think of what the trouble I had at school and I didn’t want that for my kids. I know now that kids will tease about anything but it was hard to think the same way when there is this little screaming set of lungs wrapped in a blanket looking up at you waiting for a moniker.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I personally am a fan of unique names, but I would never name my child Messiah. Or Apple. Or anything with an apostrophe, really. Nobody wants to go the unnecessary extra step of hunting that sucker down on a keyboard when they are typing. πŸ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

    • Right. And some names are cute and unique, but not obnoxiously unique. That’s why I kind of wanted to go to our roots — German, Irish, and Italian, because you don’t see a lot of those here, but it’s an actual name and not just something you made up that is going to get your kid picked on in school.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. There are some crazy names out there. My son has a girl in his school called Ladybird. I nearly fell of my chair when I first heard it. Maybe it’s because I’m German and we have very strict rules on naming our kids. While I opted for Jerome which probably is not everyone’s cup of tea for sure I had trouble finding a different boys name at all. I do like your choice of names also I have too many connections with German names and always have to think of people I know with these names…at least you have the chance to change your name later on in the UK if you don’t like the one your parents gave you…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not expecting, but I do want kids in the future.

      Evidently it’s a girl thing to make up your baby names list. And S.O. and I are pretty serious. We’re doing this long distance engagement thing where the other is trying to find a job/get a better job in the respective area we are in, then we’re going to get hitched at the court house.

      Luckily, we only live an hour and a half away from each other.

      We’ve also been together for almost seven years, so it’s come up more than a couple of times.

      Liked by 1 person

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