Good afternoon, fine folks!
Well, I had an exciting weekend.
I went to see Besty sing at Open Mic Night.
Her and her buddy are wanting to start this two person band thing, but based on conversation they might be inclined to bring more people in.
But not me. I haven’t played guitar in 15 years and I sing like dying cats.
Or so I think.
While out with Besty and Motorhead, I got the worst migraine I’ve had in a while.
Like on the way home (Motorhead drove) I had to cover my eyes with my hands because light hurt.
They didn’t want me to drive home, so I couch crashed and tossed and turned the whole night. I was awakened at 8am with a nice cup of coffee from the Besty.
We did watch GoT, which was AH-mazing.
Although the butternut squash soup and grilled bratwurst she made turned out to be not the most appropriate thing when it came to Sam’s scene.
Yesterday, I took a mental health day.
I played hookie.
Well, I legit am still having stomach problems and spent a good bit of the day in the bathroom… and playing Skyrim… and watching movies.
And I’m back at work, and I really just want to disappear.
Just to melt into the walls.
I’m having this weird, tense anxiety.
And I can’t put my finger on it. It’s just this tightness in my back and chest, tingle in my fingers, and prickling in the back of my mind that something is wrong.
In my head, I’m searching for the reason why I’m having a typical anxiety induced fight/flight response and I’m coming up empty.
If there is an actual reason, a year in therapy taught me to pinpoint the reason and rationalize my way out of it — to fix it, minimize it, or just throw up my hands and say I can’t help it and there’s no use in worrying about it.
But I cannot pinpoint a reason.
Something underlying I can’t seem to shake.
When you are at the point where you’re anxious and you’re not sure why, that’s when you need to seek help. If there is a legit reason, that’s one thing. But if there is nothing to be anxious about and you can’t pinpoint a reason, it might be your brain chemistry dicking you over.
I need a sanity week.
But I don’t get paid vacation… because reasons.
Since we got new phones at work, we have to log in like a call center (FYI we are not) to get incoming calls from our toll-free number.
And even after I asked boss lady to make sure everyone was logged in so everyone could take calls, I’m still the only one logged in and I’m the only one taking calls. I’ve taken so many calls I’ve had trouble getting my actual work done.
So, I decided to be sneaky/practical and ask our IT dude if there was any reason I’m the only one taking calls.
And he made the others (Lazy and Incompetent, if you are following my work saga) log in and take calls as well. Of course ignorance was pled — even after multiple emails had been sent out with detailed instructions on how to use the phone, how to log in, and reminders to log in.
Or when our toll free number wasn’t working but Lazy and Incompetent were both giving it out in voicemail messages requesting call backs…. even though the number didn’t work…. at all.
Also, I found out that because Lazy didn’t do her cases properly and I’m the next person to work them and now I have to do more work to make up for her not doing her job — which I told my boss about and sent her a list of the ones that I’m going to have to give extra attention to because they weren’t done correctly in the first place.
Did the same with Incompetent, too.
Add in some extra laziness and incompetence…
These two weeks have been a special kind of hell.
I’m kind of sick of being one of the few people here that takes pride in my work by making sure it is done correctly.
And this isn’t to say I don’t fuck up. I do. I am only human.
But I also own my mistakes. If someone tells me I did something wrong, I will fix it. I might explain my rationale, and ask for clarification if my rationale is wrong, but I fix the shit I get wrong because I know if I don’t someone else will have to.
At some point, after being told ad nauseum that you are doing something wrong, and you continue to do it, you are either too inadequate to do your job (either because of motivation or wholly unqualified) or you are doing it intentionally to piss people off.
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