The “I Can’t” days…

Good afternoon, fine folks!

Well, I had an exciting weekend.

I went to see Besty sing at Open Mic Night.

Her and her buddy are wanting to start this two person band thing, but based on conversation they might be inclined to bring more people in.

But not me. I haven’t played guitar in 15 years and I sing like dying cats.

Or so I think.

While out with Besty and Motorhead, I got the worst migraine I’ve had in a while.

Like on the way home (Motorhead drove) I had to cover my eyes with my hands because light hurt.

They didn’t want me to drive home, so I couch crashed and tossed and turned the whole night. I was awakened at 8am with a nice cup of coffee from the Besty.

We did watch GoT, which was AH-mazing.

Although the butternut squash soup and grilled bratwurst she made turned out to be not the most appropriate thing when it came to Sam’s scene.

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Yesterday, I took a mental health day.

I played hookie.

Well, I legit am still having stomach problems and spent a good bit of the day in the bathroom… and playing Skyrim… and watching movies.

And I’m back at work, and I really just want to disappear.

Just to melt into the walls.

I’m having this weird, tense anxiety.

And I can’t put my finger on it. It’s just this tightness in my back and chest, tingle in my fingers, and prickling in the back of my mind that something is wrong.

In my head, I’m searching for the reason why I’m having a typical anxiety induced fight/flight response and I’m coming up empty.

If there is an actual reason, a year in therapy taught me to pinpoint the reason and rationalize my way out of it — to fix it, minimize it, or just throw up my hands and say I can’t help it and there’s no use in worrying about it.

But I cannot pinpoint a reason.

Purely physiological?

Something underlying I can’t seem to shake.

When you are at the point where you’re anxious and you’re not sure why, that’s when you need to seek help. If there is a legit reason, that’s one thing. But if there is nothing to be anxious about and you can’t pinpoint a reason, it might be your brain chemistry dicking you over.

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I need a sanity week.

But I don’t get paid vacation… because reasons.

Since we got new phones at work, we have to log in like a call center (FYI we are not) to get incoming calls from our toll-free number.

And even after I asked boss lady to make sure everyone was logged in so everyone could take calls, I’m still the only one logged in and I’m the only one taking calls. I’ve taken so many calls I’ve had trouble getting my actual work done.

So, I decided to be sneaky/practical and ask our IT dude if there was any reason I’m the only one taking calls.

And he made the others (Lazy and Incompetent, if you are following my work saga) log in and take calls as well. Of course ignorance was pled — even after multiple emails had been sent out with detailed instructions on how to use the phone, how to log in, and reminders to log in.

Or when our toll free number wasn’t working but Lazy and Incompetent were both giving it out in voicemail messages requesting call backs…. even though the number didn’t work…. at all.

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Also, I found out that because Lazy didn’t do her cases properly and I’m the next person to work them and now I have to do more work to make up for her not doing her job — which I told my boss about and sent her a list of the ones that I’m going to have to give extra attention to because they weren’t done correctly in the first place.

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Did the same with Incompetent, too.

Add in some extra laziness and incompetence…

When I was talking about banging my head on the desk last week… that was it. 

These two weeks have been a special kind of hell.

I’m kind of sick of being one of the few people here that takes pride in my work by making sure it is done correctly.

And this isn’t to say I don’t fuck up. I do. I am only human.

But I also own my mistakes. If someone tells me I did something wrong, I will fix it. I might explain my rationale, and ask for clarification if my rationale is wrong, but I fix the shit I get wrong because I know if I don’t someone else will have to.

At some point, after being told ad nauseum that you are doing something wrong, and you continue to do it, you are either too inadequate to do your job (either because of motivation or wholly unqualified) or you are doing it intentionally to piss people off.

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25 thoughts on “The “I Can’t” days…

  1. Well how polite are you?
    Absent for 4 days so I sent you a message to see if you were ok and you ignored me so raspberries to you.
    No more Mr Nice Guy, you don’t deserve it!

    Stop banging your head against the desk, try a brick wall.
    Get over yourself and stop whining
    Grow up and act like the nearly thirty year old you are
    Put on your big girl panties and get rid of the diapers
    You are a disgrace to the human race

    Wanders off singing to Alice Cooper (don’t you try it because you can’t sing either!)
    No more Mr Nice Guy
    No more Mr Clean
    No more Mr Nice Guy

    Liked by 1 person

    • I didn’t see your message. I’m sorry. My phone isn’t wanting to sync my email… because my phone is retarded.

      But I really appreciate your concern! Truly!

      I’m alive. I am just having horrible gut problems.

      And a migraine.

      And I promise, I’m dealing with it… just in my own way. I’m accepting that stupid people are controlling my existence.

      I’m becoming a bastion of tolerance.

      Also, my big girl panties don’t fit me anymore.

      Oh! Awesome news! One of my fuckhead coworkers is leaving!!!! Next week!!!

      Liked by 1 person

        • Yep. It can be narrowed down to changes in management, and the classification of work.

          We are considered ‘temp’ by the state, but I’ve been here for two years and that’s wayyyyy more than temp.

          Because we’re ‘temp’, we get health insurance, but not paid sick leave, annual leave, or paid holidays.

          Which is why there’s so much turnover. Also, the previous supervisor liked to hire people with lots of letters after their name. And what live has taught me is that it doesn’t matter how many degrees you have, you can still be an idiot and completely lack common sense.

          I’ve said this before — my dad is one of the most brilliant people I know. He’s got a tenth grade education but can add, subtract, multiply, and divide fractions in his head. He can visualize industrial blueprints and is a jack of all trades.

          When not drunk or on drugs — we all can’t be perfect.

          But good news! We were able to pass it through the legislature and our jobs, as of next month, will no longer be temp. No more working long hours on the holidays to make up time, no more working extra hours when sick, and actually paying into social security.

          This makes me so excited!

          Liked by 1 person

          • Our problem was we needed casual staff for a rotating 7 day roster and that meant some guys had to only work 2 days a week plus call ins. It’s a big ask to expect someone to be available midnight to 10am everyday but only be guaranteed 2 days a week work. In the end we had to change things but we hated doing 6 days a week hardly surprising we were training new staff every few weeks for casual roles.

            That’s good news, any job security in this day and age is a good thing.

            Liked by 1 person

          • True story.

            Some jobs — they wonder why they have so much turn over then don’t look at the nature of the place. I guess my closest experience is working call centers where you HAVE to be there, regardless if there is a death, blood, vomit, etc, or your ass is getting canned.

            Like

          • As much as it shouldn’t have been such delivering bread was one of those jobs. If casual didn’t turn up us supervisors would be doing two runs because supermarkets can’t go without bread for a single day of the week. Many a time my brother and I pulled a double shift because even a pissant little supermarket that gets 12 loaves of bread a day had to have their delivery even if they didn’t get it until 3pm in the afternoon. My worst record for a 12 hour shift was 19 hours on the road then back at work 4 hours later to do it all again because one of the casuals pulled the pin at 1am one morning.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Just a perk of the job. 🙂

            Swear about it on the day, abuse the prick who let everyone down when you see them next and give them a week off work. In the meantime train someone else knowing full well the prick wont come back, then laugh when their employment agent rings up asking why they were sacked.

            There is a couple of stories in the Midnight Trucker series on my blog that talk about casual staff, sadly they aren’t exaggerated.

            I’m glad to be out of it and I couldn’t be a father working for that shit, but I miss the good parts of that job. Working for myself means I know my boss is an arsehole and wont ever change.

            So don’t become your own boss unless you really like yourself 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          • I’m pretty okay with myself.

            I’ve come to terms with all my short comings. Still have some insecurities, though.

            I think the hardest thing for me to come to terms with were mistakes made many, many years ago. I just have to tell myself that I made the best choice I could given the circumstances.

            Sometimes it’s an outright lie, but it helps me sleep at night 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

          • What short comings? I was under the impression your were perfect 🙂

            I honestly gave up kicking myself for past mistakes years and years ago. I used to do it but then I started to realise that it was those mistakes that made me who I was and while my life isn’t perfect who’s to say it would be better if I hadn’t made the mistakes, noone….expect my mother.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I read your blog every day and twice on Sunday’s, I only see perfection…but then it has been reported that I need mental help.

            You need to put on your big girl panties in case you get hit by a bus…actually if you’re hit by a bus maybe a diaper would be better…ok I’ll stop recommending the panties, diapers it is!

            We all dwell on mistakes for a little while, we’d be stupid not to but I look at all mine and only really kick myself for the ones I did not learn something from.

            Liked by 1 person

          • I remember one of our soapie actresses who had a small stint as a stand up comedian did actually get hit by a bus and she came up with the line “it doesn’t matter if you leave home with clean underwear on, if you get hit by a bus it wont be clean when you get to hospital.”

            As for having clean underwear in jail I wonder if maybe having dirty underwear might be less inviting.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. I have no patience with lazy/incompetent people or work situations like that and have quit in a manic rage over less… You’re stronger than I ever was. Then again, having bipolar means I don’t get to put up with people’s shenanigans. It also means I don’t stay employed for very long… But alas and alack, the good government doesn’t see that as a disability. >_< Doing temp work back in the day was my salvation.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Although I do not suffer from migraines, my husband and son DO and it sucks ass. I have picked them both up off the floor (sometimes literally) so many times over the years it’s ridiculous. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    Liked by 1 person

        • Right. I started having back problems last year from extra weight, and after having to visit the ER and be on pain meds for horrible sciatica, I just kind of noped and decided to lose weight. 40lbs down and my sciatica is almost non-existent now. I went from feeling it every day and having to take tramadol and muscle relaxers every day, to only feeling it twinge if I’ve been sitting in a weird position too long.

          I really hate that I didn’t take better care of myself in my early 20’s. But I also didn’t have insurance, but I could have still maintained myself better. After college, I gained 60lbs. I was always a fat kid, and this extra weight really messed with my skeleton, joints, and muscles.

          But come to find out, my thyroid was broke (which can explain the weight gain and always being a bit on the heavier side).

          But still, I discovered having extra weight on your frame is seriously detrimental, at least for me.

          Like

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