The Dream Disruptor


I had a dream about The Psychological Abuser last night.

I came home, well at least it felt like my home, but it wasn’t MY apartment that I’m living in now or have lived in before and he was just there on my couch.

He didn’t yell at me or berate me.

I went into the kitchen, briefly and met with some of the friends I’d lost in the “divorce”. Told them I loved them.

No one said anything.

I went back into the living room.

I just asked him to leave, and he got up and went.

And when I went back to the kitchen, everyone was gone.

Closure dream?

Hopefully. Getting real tired of dreaming about that person.


The Statistical Trust and Why Folks Should Question Everything



Math With Bad Drawings

I can manipulate data to say anything I want. So can you. So can CNN, Fox News, BBC, USA Today, CDC, NASA… etc.

And it’s not outright lying, either.

Since starting Keto, I’ve been doing a lot of medical research in my free time — about metabolic systems, cholesterol, good vs bad fat, diabetes, brain function, etc…

And all this research provides conclusions differing from long held medical and dietary beliefs. And I’ve always wondered, where does this come from? Who was the scientist/nutritionist/wizard who said dietary fat makes you fat?

I mean fat = fat. Makes sense? Yeah?

But the more research I do into the body’s metabolic pathways, and I realized how completely bad sugar is for you compared to dietary fat.

I read a really awesome article on how Keto, referred to as Very Low Carb High Fat (VLCHF) diet, actually causes you to have more good cholesterol (HDL) and decreases bad cholesterol (LDL) as well as “changing” LDL into HDL cholesterol. And I know to the lay person, the word cholesterol invokes images of crusty arteries and heart attacks, but your body needs cholesterol to make hormones.

The article gets way more sciency than I have time to go into.

But “people” say that upping fat and lowering carbs is bad.

Who are these people? The government? Your mom? Your ancient primary care doctor who hasn’t done any nutritional research since 1980?

Science proves to the contrary.

But on the topic of bullshittery, when I was in undergrad and grad school, I’d always write my papers at the 11th hour. And make A’s on them.

Because I’m awesome like that.

But I could pull the most random data from anywhere to prove my point and cite it. It could have been a study on amoebas and I could turn it into something about recidivism in adult male populations.

Well, maybe not that far fetched… but you get my drift.

I would go onto a database like Jstor, and do a search, look through abstracts and find what data I needed to prove my point. Add some fancy quotes and voila.

And because I know I’m not the only one who does this, If I see a recent scientific study, until I personally read their sample sizes, methodology, etc… I don’t trust it.

And neither should you.

I mean, people don’t have a lot of time to invest in what is “truth” and “fake truth”. The lay person probably doesn’t know how sampling methods can affect outcomes or different methods of statistical analysis that can be used to skew data. The lay person doesn’t have the time or urge to actually go out there and research.

I mean, in the age of the internet and wikipedia, people do have information on demand. But, who posts this information? What’s their agenda?

In my first research methodology class, my professor asked, “Why do murder rates and ice cream sales rise at the same time?”

Or something like that.

Two seemingly completely different things, that both saw a rise during the same time period. Are they connected? Do they have a correlation? Is it statistically significant?


Murder and ice cream have nothing to do with each other other than the rates of ice cream sales and murder rates both rise in the summer.

Magic, right?


The “Trust No Bitch” Paradigm


Trust—the act of placing confidence in someone or something else—is a fundamental human experience, necessary for society to function and for any person to be relatively happy. Without it, fear rules. Trust is not an either/or proposition, but a matter of degree, and certain life experiences can impact a person’s ability to trust others.

One could say, I have trust issues.

But you can only get burned and betrayed so many times, before your skin callouses and you become bitter.

But you don’t have to be bitter — you can still have a good life with trust issues.

You just have to be a pessimistic optimist.

What a strange dichotomy.

But it’s a shades of gray (not the horribly written book) thing — you have to look at the good times as what they are — good times.

And cherish them for what they are.

And look at the bad times as bad times, and acknowledge them and understand them, then move on.

One lesson in the bible, that was skipped over when I was in Sunday School and Bible Study was Micah 7:5

Do not trust a neighbor; put no confidence in a friend. Even with the woman who lies in your embrace guard the words of your lips.

I’ve really tried to take this to heart. The rest of the passage states to trust in the Lord, but ya’ll know I’m pretty dang agnostic.

I trust the universe is the universe. Some constants I take comfort in are in science. Water will melt, chemical reactions will happen, gravity will pull my ass back down.

And I have to trust in myself — that I’m making the best decision I can given the resources and information I have.

And I trust my gut — millions of years of evolution can’t be wrong.

As for other people, look at the positives, don’t dwell on the negatives, but remember them… remember the lessons… and move on.



The Monday Grind

Well, I’m back at it after being “sick”.

Honestly, I didn’t feel sickly. I mean, I felt really crappy. Which I have for the last three weeks because of what I thought were seasonal allergies, and not this stupid sinus infection.

So, three days of rest, boredom, and spending time with S.O.

We painted Warhammer Models. Played video games.


Watched movies.

I was pretty stoked when I found House of 1000 Corpses in the $5 bin at Walmart.

Rob Zombie is a guilty pleasure for me.

But since I’ve been internet-less, my movie collection had outgrown it’s current shelf. I had to put together a new shelf — I hate the paper/cardboard backings provided, so I used some leftover fabric.

And, yes, my movies and games are sorted in alphabetical order.


Harley Cat approves.

Reorganized my bookshelf and altogether did some OCDing of my house.

But back to the work grind.

Back to dealing with people I don’t particularly like. Also, having to make up time from being out on Friday, which means I’m going to be putting up with them for a whole extra eight hours this week.




The ‘Full Blown Sinus Infection’


Even though I woke up with a headache, I was determined to have a good day. Doctor visit to address allergies.

Also, it’s pay day.

So, the last three weeks, I’ve been having bad sinus problems that really seem like seasonal allergies. I’ve been dealing with it, but last friday I had a bad allergic reaction and difficulty breathing.

Today, my doctor told me that it might be allergies, but it is definitely a sinus infection.

Rest and fluids and antibiotics.

If I dont feel better after my course of antibiotics, they are going to send me to the allergist.

Harley cat snuggles and Buffy binge ensues.


The Useless Adults — Tropes Thursday


You ever notice that when you’re a teenager that all adults are just useless and incompetent, save for a few.


I’ve been binging on Buffy lately, and literally all the adults except for Giles and Buffy’s mom, Joyce, are downright unhelpful, useless, incompetent, or evil/insidious.

And there are many other examples — every single John Hughes movie, any kind of horror plot where teens are involved. Stephen King’s IT, Hocus Pocus, a lot of the Goosebumps stories, Lost Boys, Hook. Or, where teens are heroes — Power Rangers, Animorphs, Ender’s Game. Cartoons — Rugrats, Fairly Odd Parents, South Park — whose sheriff is illiterate, Avatar and Korra (Bumi, am I right?), Spongebob.


Is this a thing that really appeals to teenagers? Reinforcing that adults are stupid? Or is this something that adults who write these things think will appeal to teenagers. And this is more so on reoccurring themes in a particular author’s work. For instance, incompetent adults, from a teen’s perspective, isn’t something Stephen King writes about all the time. But there is a trend with shows aimed at pre-teens and teenagers such as One Tree Hill, Power Rangers, Animporhs, etc…

But it begs the question, are adults really that stupid and incompetent?

I mean, I look at myself at 15-17 and I was a hormonal, emotional, obnoxious weirdo. Still a weirdo. I didn’t know as much as I thought I did. But it is humbling to look back on those times and realize how far I’ve come.

And I don’t think it is a “respecting authority” thing, but showing constantly that adults are useless might reinforce to young people to not trust adults.

We aren’t the end all be all, but seeking wisdom from older folks is important. I call my parents with questions all the time. Like taxes, insurance, medical stuff, etc…

Because they know more about this than I do.

I mean, it does encourage kids to be more independent, which I fully support. But can we get some good role models…


The Curly Hair Appropriation Offense




So, I have curly hair. Like a lot of curly hair.

And I was tormented throughout middle and high school for my hair by everyone. Black, White, Hispanic, even the strangely large Hmong population.

In seventh grade, some White girl wrote in my yearbook, “GO BIG BUSH, GO!!!”

The Black girls loved to rag on my short curly hair — it was literally a past time of theirs. They would bully me incessantly, call me Big Bush, say my hair was nappy or frizzy… just it was bad. I repressed a lot of it.

My dad has curly hair, but because he’s a dude he can shave it off. Same with my brother.

My mother, however doesn’t. And mom are generally the ones tasked with doing their little girl’s hair. My mom didn’t have any experience with coarse, curly hair… so she cut it all off. I had a bowl cut for a long, long, long time.

When I started learning to do my own hair in middle school (required a lot of experimenting), I was allowed to grow my hair. And I about killed it with the flat iron and chemicals, trying to get that perfect, straight hair look that would stop the tormentors.

But nooo…

Since becoming an adult, I’ve really embraced my curly hair in various styles and lengths. I’m currently trying to grow my hair out from a pixie cut.


But, folks, evidently my hair is racist and cultural appropriation and I have to be mindful of how I wear it lest it offend someone.

I have a hard enough time managing my damn hair and now I have to worry about being racist for my hair doing whatever it wants. My hair is a honey badger. It doesn’t care about cultural norms or historical context. It does what it wants. I can only try to control it.

But everything now is “problematic”, and evidently hair is a big hot topic. Especially curly hair. I had no idea my hair was politically incorrect and problematic:

“Black Twitter” said it once, but let’s say it again: It is not cool for white women to wear black hairstyles. It is not cute. It is not flattering.

When white women wear black hairstyles, it’s a slap in the face to black women.

There are so many reasons why it’s not okay for white women to rock styles traditionally worn by black women, including Afros, braids (no, not French braids, calm down), dreadlocks, and baby hairs. Black hair is not just hair. There’s history and context tied to these styles that cannot be ignored, a historical legacy forever linked to the ongoing cultural remnants of slavery and institutional racism. A white person who wears these styles dismisses that context and turns black hair into a novelty, a parody, a subtle form of blackface.

Box braids and cornrows can be traced all the way to ancient African civilizations. The practice of loc-ing hair (which, no, doesn’t entail simply not washing the hair for several months) has religious ties to Rastafarianism.

Black women have had our hair mocked and degraded, we have been called “nappy-headed-hoes,” and we have been socialized to believe that our hair is “bad” because it is not straight. When we do rock our natural hair, it’s called unkempt and unattractive.

So, finally, no. No. When Black women straighten our hair, or dye it blonde, we’re not “appropriating white hairstyles” — it is not the same thing. The word you are looking for is assimilation. White hair is the norm. It is the default. It is the societal ideal. There are many reasons why black women today wear their hair either natural or straightened, but for the most part, the practice of straightening black hair came from a real necessity to conform and survive, and to better emulate societal beauty standards that oppress women of all races — standards that just happen to be based around white beauty.

It’s important to remember that when black women call out articles like the one featured in Allure, or criticize white women like Kylie Jenner or Rita Ora for wearing black styles, it’s not simply out of this need to deny access to something simply for the sake of it. To you, white women, it’s just a cool hairstyle. To us, it’s something we’ve fought to be able to fully embrace. There are other ways to admire or celebrate black hair without coopting it. But understand — black hair can be deeply political, deeply spiritual, and deeply personal.

And I get it. There are historical and cultural significance to Black hair. I’m not denying it. To be completely honest, I absolutely adore Black hair. Mad props to Black women who go natural. All the lengths they go through to keep their hair healthy and beautiful is amazing and astounding. I am in awe of you.

But saying that a person, because they have a specific skin color, CANNOT wear a hair style is… well… you know. And evidently, even making a hair style up and wearing it, not knowing that it holds some significance to someone about something is bad juju.


And I get it — a lot of people really identify themselves with their hair… it’s who they are and because of that it’s deeply personal to them. My hair is a very personal topic to me. I don’t like people randomly touching my hair, I only let people who have curly hair (that looks healthy) cut my hair, I’m picky about products and my routine, and I struggle so much with making my hair do what I want it to do.

And yes, I do buy my hair products from the “ethnic” hair care aisle, and I get strange looks for doing it. I love and swear by Shea Moisture products. I follow a bunch of curly hair sites and get tips and advice, regardless of if it is a site meant for “ethnic hair”.

But to have HuffPo and Buzzfeed call my hair racist because it does what it wants and I just so happen to be white person… it’s patently absurd. Then being told I have to watch how I wear my hair, or I’m racist.


I can’t win for losing. I just can’t.

But at the end of the day, wear your hair how you want to. Life’s too short to worry about this kind of crap. There’s more important stuff in life to give attention to.

Update: Did a bit more research — not just HuffPo and Buzzfeed, but there is some real vitriol and disdain for white women with curly hair out there.

Because I was born to a mom with straight hair, and had no idea how to take care of my own hair, I’ve relied on a lot of hair health tips from Black hair gurus/experts/mavens/goddesses and they are so spot on.

I mean, first white people need to be “educated” about Black hair and what is copacetic, because we are “ignorant”, but when we try to understand and appreciate, we are scolded for being in their “spaces”. And I don’t understand it. I just wanted to know how to take care of my curly hair.


Comments from the post from

I mean, I get it, hair is a tetchy subject.

But it’s like, “okay. I’m listening.”

Then I read something like this and I’m just dumbfounded.

The title of this post sums up what I’m going to write about here. Twitter is abuzz about a post on Curly Nikki, featuring a Q&A with a white woman named Sarah talking about how she has learned to embrace her curls. This seemingly innocuous post features this woman musing about how she’s learned to accept her texture, and doing everything from co-washing, hoarding products to sleeping in a satin bonnet to protect her texture.

Sounds familiar?

So a site that was started by a black woman as a guide to help other black women with natural hair or those who were transitioning to natural hair decided to once again (I’m told it’s not the first time a white woman was interviewed) feature a white woman discussing her curly hair. What’s more offensive is they didn’t even alter the questions to account for the fact that Sarah never transitioned or “went natural.” However, Curly Nikki is a lot different than what it used to be. It’s now a brand owned by TextureMedia, a company that offers “dynamic social platform that empowers & engages a multicultural community of female influencers – the largest in the world of haircare.”


Anyway, I am beyond exhausted of seeing white women propped up in spaces traditionally reserved for black women as a way to add credibility to our issues. I’m tired of seeing the use of white women employed to appeal to the masses, as this does nothing but silence and eliminate the experiences and voices of black women. I’m sick of white women coming into black women’s spaces, with what they call an attempt to learn and create solidarity, only to use their privilege to take over and ignore our plight as they work to bolster their own brand.

White women and their hair stories do not belong in spaces that cater to black women with natural hair. The term ‘natural hair’ has always been connected to black women and our hair stories, not that of white women. White women, while they can have curly hair, can not refer to their hair as natural without engaging in some form of cultural appropriation. This white woman did not start wearing her hair natural nor did she transition. She simply wore one hairstyle while growing up, and later decided she would wear her hair down. That decision by this woman featured in this blog post can NEVER compare to what black women face when we decide to transition from chemically relaxed to natural hairstyles.

The faux struggles curly-haired white women face when they “embrace their texture” is nothing like the social, political, personal and economic fallout inflicted upon black women when we shun the relaxer. Curly-haired white women don’t know what it’s like to have your boyfriend (or girlfriend) flat out say he (or she) prefers your hair to be straight (because of that whole white Eurocentric beauty brainwashing thing); when you family asks you, “You going to keep your hair like that?” Or “What do you plan to do with it?”; when white women ask you all kinds of ridiculous questions about your hair routine (because we can’t possibly use the same shampoo and conditioner as them, right?); when people are so brazen and arrogant to believe they have the right to ignore your humanity and run their grimy fingers through your coils; when your boss comes up to you and tells you how unprofessional your Afro is and that it does not belong in the workplace; when fellow black women talk about how brave you are to go natural, to embrace your kinks and wish they can do the same; when you spend hours upon hours on YouTube watching self-appointed natural hair stars demonstrate their tips on how to get the perfect twist out (because having a frizzy twist-out is not cute, apparently).

I’m sure there are some who couldn’t care less about Curly Nikki featuring this white woman in her Q&A. I know there are some of y’all who believe appropriation by white folks is flattery; that this is a nonissue and black women will find anything to be upset about. This white woman’s appropriation of the natural hair community’s terminology and framing those experiences as comparable to what she went through in her “journey” is indicative of her and Curly Nikki’s disregard for black women and our humanity. It ignores the gritty and sobering issues black women who wear natural hair face — those issues white women can bypass and brush off because they are, well, white.

Furthermore, the use of this white woman and her hair story further perpetuates the trend in natural hair circles to center experiences around women who have a looser curl pattern or, for those who are obsessed with hair typing, the 3a, 3b, 3c, etc. Black women who have tighter coils, kinks and naps — 4a, 4b, 4c, etc. for those keeping score — are constantly told through marketing campaigns that our texture is not the kind of natural hair we should embrace. It’s not a coincidence that we see an abundance of curl enhancers/definers being peddled towards black women who aren’t yet comfortable with rocking their frizzy undefined afros. Obsessed with chasing the ever-elusive curl, black women spend countless hours on YouTube and blogs such as Curly Nikki looking for ways they can make their 4z texture appear more like a woman rocking 3c curls. Some of us spend hundreds of dollars each year on hair products that promise to give us curly, defined styles. We spend hours each week twisting and stretching our hair to make sure we don’t wake up the next day looking like Don King’s shrunken down Afro. But we are supposed to look at this Q&A featuring this white woman and feel inspired to embrace our naps because her curly hair experience is just like ours!

We should not want or need white woman and their loose curl patterns in natural hair circles for black women. We should not promote white women picking and choosing which parts of blackness they can mold into their life experiences while simultaneously erasing and invalidating the lived experiences of black women who can’t leverage white privilege to make our journeys easier to navigate.

Shit I can’t make up.

To hell with it all. I’m going to wear my hair how I want to.


The Keto Diaries — Reclaimed Jeans


Last night, I was perusing through my closet looking for work appropriate outfits in the hopes it will annoy the two work bitches to distraction.

I decided to open my vacuum bags of old clothes I couldn’t fit into anymore, but didn’t want to part with.

I have reclaimed two pairs of jeans. Yes, two. Fit over my butt, buttoned and zipped. Haven’t been able to wear them in five years.

It’s like I have BRAND NEW BLUE JEANS!!!

Without having to spend money!

So, I’ve been doing this unintentional intermittent fasting. Essentially, have dinner the night before, bullet proof coffee (BPC), in the morning and dinner. Last night I made some chicken filets with stir fried asparagus and cauli.

Bullet Proof Coffee

  • 2 tbs unsalted butter
  • 2 tbs medium chain triglyceride oil (MTC oil — like coconut oil… which is what I use)
  • Sweetener of choice — I’m obsessed with Truvia’s baking blend. It’s got an inconsequential amount of sugar, but it also doesn’t taste like chemicals, death, and sadness
  • Splash of unsweetened almond milk or heavy whipping cream (HWC)
  • Coffee

I blend in my bullet until everything is emulsified and drink. Other folks add sugar free syrups to flavor like pepperment or vanilla. I might pick some up this weekend. Sometimes I put in unsweetened cocoa powder for some extra fiber

My BPC recipe has exactly:

  • 50.8g Fat
  • 7.6g Carb, 4.2 of which is fiber, netting 3.4 carbs per serving
  • 2.2 grams of protein
  • 511 calories

And I’ve been using it as a meal replacement. It keeps me going; I feel mentally sharp and just all around good.

And it moisturizes my lips 🙂

And when I cooked and ate them, I wasn’t super hungry. I knew I needed to eat. So I did.

In keto vernacular, this means I’m “fat adapted”… essentially, I’m running on my own fat for energy.

Evidently runners do this… those that don’t carb load. They put their body into ketosis before a marathon, and avoid sugar crashes and such.

It’s a bunch of sciency and metabolic stuff.

I’ve been netting under 20 carbs per day and staying around 1700ish calories per day. I tend to be a grazer on the weekend, so I tend to go over 1700 calories.

Down 21lbs and a few inches everywhere.

My goal is to lose a full 100 lbs before my 30th birthday in October.

Also going to my doctor about allergies on Friday. I’m debating on telling her about keto, lest she advise me against it.


The Knee Length Dress Plan

I heard down the grape vine that the dress I wore today, that I’ve worn to work several times, caused whispers and ire among the bitches.

This dress… it’s knee length, black, and shows no cleavage whatsoever.It is sleeveless, but I wore a cardigan. Eventually, I had to take the cardigan off because I got hot, but it is still very tasteful. Paired with sensible black flats.

I got a compliment on how I looked in the dress, and was told I looked like I’d lost some weight. Yes!

That’s the whole reason why I’m doing keto.

I’d walked out to go on break. Later, I’d found out that the two office bitches were making with snide remarks.

You know what this means, right!

Knee length dresses ALL WEEK!

And, I might put on makeup! Eyeliner!

Oh, how scandalous!

The sight of my lily white calves with my shoulders!

Oh my!

The outrage!

But, in all honesty, this is the stupidest fucking thing ever.

Also, that they are trying to “track my caseload.”

This happened on Friday after my near death experience. The magical thing is that I work out of a queue. When I finish a case, it leaves said queue.

So, when there’s nothing in the queue, it means I already did them all.




And when I finish with that caseload, I have a whole other caseload in addition to inventory tracking and filling orders for educational materials.



This makes me wonder if they actually have enough work to do, if they have enough time to fully investigate what I’m doing.

The whole time writing this, I had that song from Easy A, the one where Olive debuts her new look, in my head.


Now I have to watch it again.